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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical Psychologist)
Just when everything seemed to be going well, your relationship is now at an impasse. How can you approach the subject in an open and constructive way? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, gives us some ideas.
From the first year or after twenty years of relationship: all couples can be affected, at one time or another, by a “blockage”. If this change of dynamics can be destabilizing, it is nevertheless important to approach it intelligently. Advice from our clinical psychologist to overcome this impasse.
A difficult but necessary awareness
While you are madly in love with your partner, you woke up this morning feeling helpless. She refuses to talk to you, says she is “disappointed” and avoids you throughout the day. This difficult situation, although common in relationships, has a name: it is what is called “to be in a dead end“.
“It’s never easy to admit that your relationship is going through a difficult period. Sometimes, despite efforts and compromises, it can seem like you’re still… at an impasse! Tensions build up, communication becomes rare or awkward, and you feel like you’re going around in circles. If you’re at this point, it’s because at least one of the partners has realized that the situation has gone beyond a certain limit. And that’s good! So it’s not a question of continuing in this direction without reacting, otherwise the couple risks going off the rails. This awareness is the starting point for recognizing that the relationship cannot continue like this,” confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
But to overcome this misunderstanding, and to preserve the relationship as best as possible, what can be done? Communication – and attentive listening to the other – seems to be the solution.
“You have to discuss, bring up the problems in a direct and concise manner, and clearly express the points of disagreement and disagreement. This allows you to take stock to see whether things can change or not. Approaching the subject with your partner can perhaps rekindle the flame or, at least, clarify the situation in order to make the best decisions,” adds the expert.
Our psychologist’s tips for resolving this conflict
Different strategies can be put in place to resolve this “obstacle”.
1. Choose the right moment
“Obviously, you don’t start this delicate conversation during an argument or when your partner is stressed. You prefer a time when everyone is calm and available, away from distractions. It could start with something like: “I’d like to take a moment to discuss our relationship when you feel ready“, advises Amélie Boukhobza.
2. Talk about your feelings, not your criticisms.
“We start the discussion by talking about what we feel rather than accusing the other person straight away. Otherwise, it’s not going to start well! We use phrases like “I feel…” instead of “You never do…” or “You’re always…”. This prevents the other person from feeling attacked and becoming defensive. That would definitely not be constructive!” assures the expert.
3. We don’t just talk, we listen too!
“Communication is an exchange. So, we really listen to what our partner has to say, without interrupting or mentally preparing our response. We are interested, we rephrase, we ask questions to deepen understanding, we challenge ourselves and we open the discussion rather than closing it,” recommends the practitioner.
4. We are honest, but always kind.
“Sincerity is crucial, but with respect! It is not about hurting the other or unloading your frustrations, but about honestly sharing what you feel and what you want for the future of the relationship. It will be about finding the right words…“, Amélie Boukhobza continues.
5. We look for solutions together
“Once the problem is posed, it doesn’t stop there. We discuss possible solutions together. What can we change individually and together to improve the situation? Do we really want it? We remain open to compromise and ready to make mutual efforts. Sometimes, the help of a professional can be beneficial to guide this process,” says the specialist.
6. Take a step back if necessary
“If the discussion becomes too intense or the emotions take over, it may be wiser to take a break. We can suggest coming back to the subject a little later, once everyone has had a chance to digest what has been said. This allows us to return to the conversation with a clearer and calmer mind. Be careful, sometimes things take time, need to mature… so changes don’t happen overnight. The important thing is to have started things,” emphasizes the psychologist.
7. We take stock and reflect
“After this initial exchange, we must take the time to individually reflect on the discussions and the points raised. A time of reflection is essential to digest the emotions, information and perspectives of each person. And once this period of reflection is over, we meet again to discuss the answers or, at least, the fruit of this reflection. The objective is to see if the relationship can evolve and how, or if other decisions must be made”, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.
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