Your eldest will become a big brother or big sister. If for you, this is good news, it is not necessarily the case for him, who may find himself destabilized by this pregnancy announcement. How to help him to accept the situation and how to manage at birth? Answers and advice from Héloïse Junier, psychologist.
The birth of a second child is a real upheaval for the couple, but also for the eldest who must give up their place as an only child and take on a new role: that of big brother or big sister. An abstract notion that can arouse in him emotions as intense as they are contradictory. From the announcement of pregnancy to the return from maternity, here are some ways to help your eldest to better understand the situation with Héloïse Junier, psychologist specializing in young children and author of the “Parents’ Survival Manual” (Dunod, 2022).
When should you announce the pregnancy to your child?
Many parents believe that it is best to announce the pregnancy to their child when the fetus is well attached, either after the first trimester ultrasound, in case the pregnancy does not progress properly. “However, the young child detects very well the changes of mood and availability of his parents and in particular of his main attachment figure, generally his mother“, notes Héloïse Junier.
As soon as the parents are aware of the pregnancy, they adopt a new behavior, change their state of mind, can be anxious and the child detects it, without understanding the reason. A situation that can generate tensions. “Hence the importance of being transparent with your child and to ensure that he receives congruent signals between the non-verbal communication that he perceives in his parents and the words that they will put on it. In the event of a miscarriage, their emotions will naturally be affected, hence the interest of explaining to the child what is happening from the beginning of the pregnancy“, she continues.
“In the event of a miscarriage, their emotions will naturally be impacted, hence the interest of explaining to the child what is happening from the start of the pregnancy”.
To announce to your eldest the arrival of a little brother or a little sister, it is necessary to bet on a calm moment and to use simple words from the beginning of the pregnancy, while integrating it into this project. To avoid disappointment, also let him know as soon as you know, with certainty, the sex of the baby.
Involve your child
Because it is not just a couple project, but a family project in which the eldest must be involved. “The notion of big brother or big sister is very abstract for a child. From the first moments of pregnancy, it is interesting to involve her in this family project, for example by giving her the choice of a stuffed animal to offer, by asking her opinion on the color of the wall to give her the feeling of not to be cast aside“, continues the specialist.
A calendar to make him aware of the time left
When the eldest learns that he is going to become a big brother or a big sister, he is generally not old enough to grasp the notion of temporality. “Hence the interest of telling him concretely what will happen by taking for example a calendar dedicated to waiting to show him what represents eight months in the life of an individual and visually signify the passage of time“, recommends the psychologist specializing in early childhood.
It is often said to the eldest that it is only happiness to have a little brother or a little sister. However, he is still very young, he has a very strong need to be close to his parents, which is perfectly normal, because he is still developing. She is introduced to a tiny human who will steal her parents’ attention, time and energy..
“At that age, it’s not really jealousy that manifests itself”.
The stay in the maternity ward: when to introduce her to her little brother or her little sister?
Ideally, one should not exclude one’s eldest following childbirth, avoid entrusting him to his grandparents for too long. “As soon as possible, it is important to bring the child back to the family unit to restore the team spirit of the family”, advises our interlocutor. This is precisely the opportunity to offer him to come with a small gift (a cuddly toy for example) that he will have chosen for the baby and to offer to give it to him during his first meeting at the maternity ward.
The fact of go from one to two children can be a veritable tsunami for which parents are not always prepared. Hence the need to anticipate the hazards that a second birth can cause. “You should know that you can be marked by a certain disillusion because the eldest has overinvested the pregnancy, he was happy, he spoke to the baby by touching his mother’s belly while at birth, he can be angry, aggressive and sad“, says the psychologist specializing in early childhood.
Moreover, the eldest may feel neglected, it is important to entrust him with specific tasks in connection with his little brother or his little sister, but also to give him time individually at least once a day if possible.
Finally, it is normal for the eldest to go through a period of regression (wet the bed, need for a pacifier or a bottle…) at the birth of the second child. He is simply trying to find this place of a cocooned little child and object of so much attention from his parents, with all the sensations that go with it. Over time, the situation will normalize and everything will be back to normal!
Books to prepare the big one to become a brother or sister
Here are books to help your eldest better understand pregnancy and take on the role of big brother or big sister:
- Are you reading me a story? – There’s a house in my mamaeditions Gautier Languereau
- Trotro and Zaza his little sistereditions Giboulées
- Zoe’s little brother Albin Michel Youth
- A baby in mum’s womb? Leisure school
- Flip book: I’m expecting a little sister, Auzou editions
- My stories of calm – My huge little sister, Hatier Youth
Thanks to Héloïse Junier, psychologist specializing in young children and author of the “Parents Survival Manual” (Dunod, 2022).