I’ve always wondered about my libido, well, my lack of libido. I’ve never been particularly attracted to sex. Making love was boring and a chore. I can’t say that I didn’t have pleasure because I did. But simply sex is something that I never think about. I had two long relationships. I never initiated sexual intercourse and it was not uncommon for me to reject my partners’ requests. I had established a rhythm of about once a month because I thought that maintaining a certain frequency was a condition for the good health of our relationship. I can’t really say that I forced myself because I believed at the time that by making love, I would discover things, that I would learn to like it, that I would blossom. I repeated to myself the proverb that my father often said “Appetite comes with eating”. But nothing ever came.
While my partners always respected my lack of desire, it made me unhappy – not for me but for them because I could see that they were not fulfilled in our relationship. This situation even led me to suggest to my last partner and father of my son that we have a relationship with another woman, which he always refused to do. He thought that I had a problem and that I had to do something about it. When I talked about this lack of sexual desire To friends, they told me that I hadn’t found the right partner, that I wasn’t really in love, that I was too tense. But no. I really liked it my companions, I was fine with them and I had no desire to leave them.
And then, about ten years ago, I came across an American blog article that talked about asexuality. Many people were giving their testimony and I totally recognized myself in their words. I was like them, I was not alone and above all, I did not have a problem. Better: I was not a problem. I continued to read on the subject. This allowed me to assert myself as an asexual woman. This journey was extremely liberating.
“Being desirable, being desired… All that has no importance to me anymore.”
Today, I am separated from the father of my son – we argued a lot since we became parents and the love was no longer there. After our breakup, I tried to meet a few people but it was, I readily admit, only to flatter my ego, to prove to myself that I was capable of pleasing. I found no interest in it. Now, I don’t want that anymore. I feel free from seductive relationships. Being desirable, being desired… All that no longer has any importance for me. There is no more ambiguity. I feel at peace and I am very comfortable with the idea that‘there will be no more romantic and sexual relationships in my life.
Although in recent years we have been talking more about asexuality and it is a sexual orientation that is increasingly normalized, there are still many people who think that this absence of desire is at best a temporary oddityat worst it’s a psychological disorder. When I talked about it to my mother – sex has never been taboo in my family – she didn’t understand, she told me that it was probably a phase, that it would pass. Even when I talk about it with my psychiatristI can see in his eyes that, for her, asexuality does not exist, that she thinks it is linked to a problem, to a psychological trauma that she is trying in vain to flush out. To all these people who are looking for explanations, I would answer that it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that I live my situation very well. It does not create anxiety for me, does not make me unhappy, quite the contrary. The only people who are not comfortable with my sexuality are others. I invest in other types of relationships like friendship and that suits me perfectly.
If I have a message to convey, it is that, in my opinion, Society puts enormous pressure on people when it comes to sexuality. There is a real injunction to love sex. It is seen as central from adolescence. People talk about it a lot, all the time. And those who do not particularly like it are seen as abnormal. I would like to be able to pass on to my son the idea that sex is not necessarily the center of life, that it can be a strong interest, a weak interest depending on the person, depending on their desires, depending on the moment in their life… In short, that there is a whole spectrum of sexualities. I believe that if everyone could reason like this, there would be less pressureless frustration, and perhaps less anger.