Some people systematically devalue themselves and are convinced that they are not appreciated. After each exchange, they talk again and tell themselves that they were not up to the task…
Conversations with strangers are often anxiety-provoking. But while it’s natural to want to make a good impression, some people systematically devalue themselves and are convinced that they are not appreciated. Called “liking gap” in English, Or “gap of appreciation” in Frenchthis phenomenon designates the gap between the image we think we have sent and that received by our interlocutor. An attitude that can greatly affect our social interactions. Since it is impossible to know what others think of us, we resort to self-assessment. However, we are far too critical of ourselves. As a result, our interpretations are the fruit of our imagination and therefore, they are necessarily wrong. “The liking gap refers to a certain discrepancy between the perception that others have of us and the perception we have of ourselves. It’s more the fear of not pleasing others. without having the certainty that comes into play“, comments Véronica Olivieri-Daniel, clinical psychologist.
The linkg gap only exists in adults
We know that young children live in the present moment and don’t care much about what people think of them. In 2021, a study demonstrated that the liking gap developed as he grew. “Very young children don’t really wonder if another person loves them, they don’t care about the reputation they make. But as that voice becomes more concerned with reputation, the appreciation gap begins to show“, explains Dr. Gus Cooney, psychologist specializing in social interactions, to Vice.
A need to be loved?
The liking gap is based on two issues: a lack of self-confidence and the need to be loved. “In our Western society, our value is more or less assigned by external factors such as physical appearance, success, money, family, professional and sporting success, explains Véronica Olivieri-Daniel. “However, it is difficult to feel comfortable on all these levels and this is precisely what feeds the lack of self-confidence. In our interactions, we don’t know what the other expects from us but we try to please them at all costs because that’s what gives us the impression of having value. If we have the feeling of not being attractive at all, our self-confidence is impaired. The liking gap affects people who are alone more, such as young adults who do not have a reassuring professional context. and who have not yet built their married or family life.
“We must not place self-confidence on others”
You’ve probably noticed: the more you get to know a person, the more comfortable you feel in their company. The liking gap therefore tends to decrease over time, in any case this is what the team of researchers led by Erica Boothby has put forward. To overcome this gap in appreciation, it is essential to undertake work of self-confidence, indicates our psychologist. “This one can be therapeutic but also pragmatic by setting goals and trying to achieve them (speaking a language, learning a dance, traveling alone, etc.). The idea is to ensure that we become spectators of our actions in order to put ourselves to the test independently of others. We cannot live as if others did not exist, but we must not place our self-confidence on others because it is a dead end.”
Thanks to Véronica Olivieri-Daniel, clinical psychologist