How to (re)make love after a sexual assault?

Sexual assault includes any sexual, verbal or physical abuse, committed without consent, with violence, coercion, threat or surprise. It can be fondling, exhibitionism, sexual harassment or the removal of the condom without consent. Those are crimes punishable by law. If there is penetrationit is a rape and it is a crime. Forced sexual intercourse within a couple also constitutes rape. According to the survey Living environment and safety published in 2021, each year, 200,000 people aged 18 to 75 are victims of sexual violence. These violations concern more women (77%) and young people aged 18 to 29 (44%). The consequences in terms of physical and mental health are considerable. They vary from person to person and are influenced by several factors including age, characteristics of the aggression, personality, methods of treatment and personal history of the victim. Sexual assault can also impact the social, professional and family life of the victim. Not to mention the life of a couple and its privacy. What are the consequences of sexual assault on sexuality future? How (re) find desire and pleasure? How reclaim your body? How communicate with your partner to live the most fulfilling sexuality possible? Decryption and advice with Carlotta Munier, sex therapist.

What are the physical and psychological consequences of sexual assault?

► Among the repercussions on physical health:

• migraine
• nausea
• fatigue
• loss of appetite
• gynecological pain (vaginismus, dyspareunia)

“We also observe recurrent fungal infections and urinary tract infections as if to prevent access to private parts that have been assaulted. Sexual assault can halts psychosexual development if it occurs when the victim of the aggression is still young. We also sometimes observe a stiffening of the pelvis, the woman rejects this part of her body” explains Carlotta Munier. Each new sexual contact can reactivate the abuse.

Between 17% and 65% of women who have experienced sexual assault show symptoms of post-traumatic stress

► Psychological sequelae impact the daily lives of victims of sexual assault: eating disorders linked to the reaction of rejection vis-à-vis this body which “seduced” the aggressor, sleep restless, risky sexual behavior with unprotected sex, hypersexuality (sequence of experiments, for example Chemsex), abuse of narcotics. According to one study published in 2009 in the National Library of Medicine, between 17% and 65% of women who have experienced sexual assault in adulthood will show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder among which :

• flashbacks and nightmares
• anxiety
• anguish
• phobias
• depression
• isolation
• guilt

“Furthermore, the violence of the impact produces a state of amazement in the victim of the traumatic event for whom the situation is not “manageable” which leads to a state of dissociation and traumatic memory“adds the sex therapist.

Who to turn to in case of sexual assault?

In the event of a sexual assault, you must go to a police station to file a complaint. “The medical examiner will note the attack” says the specialist. Then, the care by a competent professional, a trained sex therapist or psychologist, is paramount. “I see my patients at least once every two weeks, if not every week. It is important that they have a regular presence“emphasizes Carlotta Munier.”I recommend to go talk with other women who have been through the same thingthrough discussion groups for example. Sharing your experience with women who understand helps provide psychological support“adds the sex therapist.

Separating sexual assault from one’s sexuality may prove hard. “It is important to talk about it in order to free yourself, to accept the fact that you have been the victim of a sexual assault and that you have to live with it.” emphasizes Carlotta Munier. You can go to a psychotherapist and / or a sex therapist trained in the accompaniment of abused or traumatized people. Methods to desensitize the trauma such as EMDR, Life Cycle Integration (ICV) or Somatic Experiencing have proven their effectiveness on trauma. “It’s important to resituate the drama in a person’s life, she can tell it or write it but verbalizing it is the first step. The woman must be able to say and be heard to “free herself” from the event and raise awareness. Once the drama is “accepted”, which takes at least 2 years depending on the person, we enter restoration which can take at least 4 or 5 years“ develops the sex therapist.

“Following an attack whose author is a man, it is possible that victim’s male partner endorses abuser “status” because he is a man” notes Carlotta Munier. During the sexual act, images can break into the mind. “The accompaniment allows you to gradually meet your partner for who he is, and take some distance from what he is not. We will also be interested in the woman’s relationship with the men of her family“ says the sex therapist.

Desire can come first in reconciliation with oneself and one’s body. “sexual desire is above all a desire for life, which the woman must find. Desire is approached through discussions about sensuality, caresses, sexual practices” develops our interlocutor. “At the same time, we will work on his erotic imagination. The first key is autoeroticismthe woman must restore herself to herself, reclaim her body” Defends Carlotta Munier. Once solo desire has been found, she will be able to focus on two-person desire. “As a couple, it is essential that the relationship is sufficiently secure and solid so as not to see the other as threateningt” advocates the sex therapist. The book Bandage the unthinkable by Fernande Amblard, who describes in particular the stages that the abused person will have to go through to find herself, can help the woman in her journey. “Each case is unique, of women take years to find desire, others less and some do not find it“recalls our expert.

Being accompanied step by step is necessary to restore physical, mental and identity integrity. Sexual assault, particularly in cases of dissociation, separates the victim from his body. “Therapeutic work applies to understanding how the person constructs himself in relation to this event, how he can welcome himself again and rediscover his own value. Sexual assault strips the victim of all human dignity. She is “objectified” by the aggressor, she has become the object of the other” emphasizes the sex therapist. She must regain subject status by learning to set limits, to say no. “This goes through exercises to stay in your body through grounding techniques, body awareness methods” recommends Carlotta Munier. For women who show a stiffening of the pelvis “the dance promotes the feeling of his body and teaches him to move it again” suggests the expert. “Of the exercises with a mirror or photography restore self-image. Sometimes the massage can help restore self-confidence. Finally, it is important to take care of yourself through a healthy lifestylefood, sleep and treat any addiction to narcotics if there is one” recommends the sex therapist.

Pleasure does not always disappear after a sexual assault. But the woman must above all listen to herself, say what she pleases. We will work first on autoeroticism because relearn to know your body and thus relearn how to give yourself pleasure can help the woman to then guide her partner. Carlotta Munier offers exercises to her patients via a caress protocol, naughty games and books. “A therapy is never linear, there are bound to be ups and downs. Access sexual relations that are neither unpleasant nor painful but which bring pleasure and sharing is already a big step“recalls the expert.

The relationship formed with her therapist, based on trust and intimacy, can help the woman begin to verbalize and talk about sexuality with their partner. “The partner must be present but patient. During sexual intercourse, he is invited to be attentive to the female rhythm in order to adjust, indeed the woman can refuse any type of report that will remind her of the aggression“says the sex therapist. The relationship is woven with trust, communication and authenticity to gradually create sufficiently secure conditions for the woman who has been abused. “It is important that they talk about their respective sexuality, their desires, their difficulties, their fears in order to reduce tension and stress, facilitate intimacy and cultivate eroticism for two on a daily basis“adds Carlotta Munier. The partner will have to being very observant and considerate of each other’s reactions, whether formulated or bodily. There are books that can help broaden the erotic imagination:

– The art of making love to a womanLinda Lou Paget

– The collection Dare

Thanks to Carlotta Munier, sex therapist, Director of the French Institute for Training in Sex Therapy (IFFS) and author of Female Sexuality: Towards a fulfilling intimacy, published by Souffle d’or.