With the birth of a child, it is often difficult to reconcile life as a couple and family life. The advice of Anne Bacus, doctor of psychology and sexologist, to continue to maintain the flame.
When a baby is born, cuddly nights give way to sleepless nights and baby bottles. The discussions generally revolve around the organization with the children on a daily basis, and the young parents risk little by little forgetting themselves. For Anne Bacus, doctor in psychology and sexologist. “parents do not expect so much upheaval or the violence of day and night adaptation in their schedule, even if they are aware from the start that sleepless nights await them“.
Many elements can explain the estrangement of couples. First of all, the lack of time to find each other, the fact that the spouse is not ultimately the father or the mother that the other imagined, or even the lack of self-confidence following the change in the woman’s body ( breastfeeding, childbirth, episiotomy, etc.). “The parental couple is then no longer the conjugal couple it was until now.“, specifies Anne Bacus. He then runs the risk of moving away because he has no more time to devote to himself and everyone is exhausted by the rhythm, whether it is a question of parental or professional tasks. “The sharing then revolves around the purchase of diapers, shopping for the house, meetings and office exit times to find out who will pick up the baby at the crèche.analyzes the psychologist. Eventually, everyone settles into a routine, both necessary and detrimental to the couple.“, she warns.
Find time for yourself
In his book “Treat them like kids!” published by Marabout*, Anne Bacus advises parents not to put their child at the center of the couple, to “place your baby behind you, not in front“. According to her, “you have to find time for your baby on a daily basis, but also time for the couple, and time for yourself“. For example, the specialist advises young mothers to organize themselves so that they can, from time to time, enjoy the bathroom alone, have a lie-in and why not, go to their Zumba class!
find time together
Young parents must absolutely get together, and not just around household chores. “Once a week, for example, when the children are in bed, we can organize a candlelit dinner, without a screen or mobile phone…” This makes it possible to take stock of what is going well or, on the contrary, of the points to be improved which sometimes irritate. “Taking this time for discussion allows you not to forget yourself and to regulate certain details”. She also advises, once a month to organize a surprise party, in turn. Each of the spouses invites their partner to discover a play, a new restaurant… This monthly meeting (every third Friday of the month for example) allows everyone to organize themselves, in particular to provide a babysitter that day. or avoid organizing a meeting at the office…
Set a frame with the child
Fairly early, the child must understand that dad and mom are together and that he cannot monopolize his mom. During the first nights or if the mother is breastfeeding, it is common to keep her baby next to you at night. But beware of the co-sleeping that drags on when the child grows up. “He must quickly learn that he can fall asleep on his own. And it reassures him to know that his parents are in a relationship, that they need time to cuddle.” says Anne Bacus.
And when the children grow up?
“We notice that many couples divorce in their fifties, when the young adults have left home, because their parents finally have nothing to say to each other.“. That’s why, as kids grow up and become a bit more independent, the discussions shouldn’t just revolve around the kids, their academic achievements, or the latest stories. On the contrary, parents must try to take advantage of this acquired autonomy to find themselves…
*Comments collected in 2016. Anne Bacus is also the author of the book “the guide for your child from 1 to 3 years old” published by Marabout.