Some parents described as toxic or dysfunctional by psychiatrists do not play their role as caring parents, and think of themselves first. How do you know if a parent is toxic, narcissistic and manipulative? The answers of Dr Stéphane Clerget, child psychiatrist.
A toxic parent is a dysfunctional, narcissistic parent who is more or less consciously abusive and manipulative, explains Dr Stéphane Clerget, child psychiatrist and author of the book Les vampires psychiques (Pocket Book). According to Ramani Durvasula, psychologist and professor of American psychology who confided in the American chain CBNCit exists telltale signs of a toxic parent, such as being intrusive in the life of your child, putting your own needs first before theirs, blaming them and putting the blame on them, making preferences between brothers and sisters… An opinion shared by Dr. Stéphane Clerget who also identifies different profiles of toxic parents.
1 – Self-centered parents
“Toxic parents create problems in their child because they consider their own well-being above all before that of their child. “, he specifies.
2 – Parents who want to be mothered by their child
“They are also those who ask their children to take care of them as if they were their own parents. They seek only their own benefit in the relationship with the child and in doing so, give the child a role that he does not have to have. “, he indicates.
3 – Parents who do not control their emotions
Dysfunctional parents are also recognized by the fact that they are unable or unwilling to contain their emotions and that this behavior is permanent. “The role of a parent is that of shielding excitations and therefore of protecting the child from the negative emotions of the environment, but also from his own. “, says Dr. Clerget.
4 – Parents who make preferences between their own children
Another sign of dysfunction, parents who display a very clear preference for some of their children. ” We can prefer one child while giving enough to the other. If we become hateful with the other, it becomes abuse “, emphasizes Dr. Clerget.
5 – Parents who project their dreams onto their children
Parents who use their child as a foil may also express a form of toxic parenting. “They are manipulative because they use the children for their profit. Some make them do YouTube videos or castings because they dreamed of some form of fame” notes Dr. Clerget.
“An overly spoiled child who becomes a parent will not necessarily want to take care of his children and will remain an extremely narcissistic parent who takes care of himself first”.
Have toxic parents had toxic parents themselves?
Some toxic parents repeat their own story, but they may also have been children who were excessively overinvested by their children! “An overly spoiled child who becomes a parent will not necessarily want to take care of his children and will stay an extremely narcissistic parent who cares for him first as it has always been. This may be the worst of toxic parents “, confirms Dr. Clerget.
What if you have a toxic parent?
Dr. Clerget recommends putting some distance. “I meet a lot of people who had toxic parents and who have a hard time cutting ties. They still continue to let themselves be vampirized and to expect that they will become good parents. Unfortunately, that almost never happens.” testifies Dr. Clerget who recommends cutting ties and telling them orally or in writing the grievances against them. The specialist also advises to find parents of hearts. “This is often the case with in-laws who help more easily to distance themselves from toxic parents.”he notes.
Thanks to Dr Stéphane Clerget, child psychiatrist.