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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
That’s enough! Once again, you find yourself paying the bill at the restaurant for your friend, without him thinking about contributing financially… How can you encourage him to finally take his share? Clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza gives us ways to achieve this.
In a restaurant, in a bar, at the cinema or during a birthday: we have all experienced the stinginess of a loved one. “I forgot my credit card“, “we’re half and half“, “I didn’t drink wine, you did” are all common examples. But then what to do when this cheapskate is a friend? How to put him in his place tactfully? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, gives us her best advice.
Can being stingy be “explained”?
Yes, Pascal Anger, psychotherapist, told us in a previous interview.
“This can be explained by education, environment, fear of lack, but also the representation of money for them. Often, stingy people don’t understand that money is only a vehicle that allows you to get ahead. For them it’s security, keeping their money secures them“, he explains. “It can also be a reflection of certain fears, notably that of the next day; this is the case for certain people who become stingy as they age.
Some studies suggest that being more cautious or anxious about money could also be explained by genetics.
Indeed, in people who go through intense psychological ordeals (famine or war for example), the DNA can undergo so-called modifications.epigenetics” which will be passed on to their children, making them more vulnerable to various disorders.
In addition, the environment in which the child grows up obviously plays a crucial role. If the lack of money has been recurrent, the child, once an adult, may save excessively.
Finally, past experiences, such as financial losses or periods of material insecurity, can also make someone more stingy.
Important detail, according to Pascal Anger: being stingy has nothing to do with financial means.
“You can be stingy and rich as well as poor. Obviously, we understand a cheapskate less well when he has the means to give.”.
Good in his body, good in his head!
What to say to a stingy friend? Tips from our psychologist
It is appropriate here to address the stingy friend tactfully.
“We all have that friend who, when faced with the bill, shys away, or counts up what he has consumed. So, how do we react? First, we must understand that stinginess often hides something else: fear lack, financial anxiety or even a simple lack of awareness of the impact on others It is appropriate here to say things clearly, without reproach. For example, if we notice a behavior that weighs on us, we could say: “J. I have the impression that you are not always comfortable when it comes to paying. Is everything okay?”, says the expert.
On the other hand, if the situation persists – and you have been paying for him/her several times – you must act.
“If the situation is systematic and burdensome, then we set clear rules regarding shared expenses. We take matters into our own hands and propose equal sharing from the start or why not alternate who pays. This will help avoid a lot of frustration “, assures Amélie Boukhobza.
Slide: 10 tips for maintaining friendship