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Has your partner said something hurtful to you? Instead of ruminating on this thought, perhaps this is an opportunity to better understand something about your relationship. A psychologist gives 5 responses to this situation.
One word too many, one that hurts, that’s something that can happen in a couple. And the words can seem even more hurtful when spoken by the man or woman you love. In this case, many of us take refuge in anger, aggressive response or even silence. But for Jeffrey Bernstein, psychologist and author for Psychology Todaythere are 5 ways to respond, more constructive when a partner hurts us.
Don’t blame back, but talk about how you feel
When your partner says something that hurts you, your first instinct might be to point the finger at them and respond by “striking a blow” back. However, blame often leads to defensiveness, which makes resolving the situation more difficult. “Instead, using phrases like “I feel that way” to express the impact his words had on you is more helpful.”supports the psychologist. “This shifts the focus from the accusation to your emotional experience, encouraging a more empathetic response.” Above all, this allows us to open communication without each person walling themselves up in their own reproaches.
Ask for clarification before reacting
It’s easy to think the worst when you feel hurt and overinterpret the words spoken. But sometimes, and even often, the comment made is not intended to cause harm. It may be useful to delay your reaction and, on the contrary, ask for clarification. “Asking for clarification allows your partner to explain their point of view, which could change your feelings about what was said.” indicates the expert.
Revealing your vulnerability and how you are hurt
When someone is hurting you, especially your partner, it can feel risky to open up and be vulnerable. Yet vulnerability is often the key to emotional intimacy and healing.”When you share how your partner’s words affect you on a deeper level, it allows them to see the real impact of their behavior.” reacts the psychologist, it is therefore necessary. In short, if your partner made a joke about you in front of their loved ones and you took it badly, don’t hesitate to take a moment afterwards to explain to them how you felt. He may not even be aware of it!
Take stock of your future communications
Once you’ve expressed your feelings, it can be helpful to ask your partner how you would like to communicate differently in the future. “This helps avoid future misunderstandings and improves your communication.”. For example, if your partner uses sarcasm often, and it tends to hurt your feelings, tell them if you don’t feel comfortable, and ask them to avoid expressing their ideas that way to you. Everyone can work on communicating more thoughtfully in the future.
Give yourself time to respond
Sometimes the best response to hurtful words is to not react immediately. “If you’re too upset to have a productive conversation, don’t hesitate to collect your thoughts before addressing the issue.” advises the psychologist. But announce it openly: let your partner know you need space, but assure them you’ll talk about it once you’ve had time to process your emotions. This can often avoid an argument and a negative escalation.
Ultimately, the psychologist concludes, responding to hurtful words in a relationship isn’t just about managing your emotions: it’s about creating an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. It can even be a chance to strengthen your relationship and build lasting emotional trust. So, express yourself!
Slide: The keys to a healthy argument