Wednesday, 11 a.m., riding lessons for the youngest. At 1 p.m., phone to check that the big one has returned from high school. Look at the flights for the holidays, study the opening of the museums. Send an SMS to the colleague so that she does not forget point 2 which she has not mastered. Think about descaling. Pressing for costumes, recommending another product. Book a sports session for the spouse, it will do him good. It’s the meeting, thirty minutes no more for everyone to leave with a task. This evening, there are leftovers from yesterday’s meal to accommodate with the dishes prepared on Tuesday evening and frozen for the week. Response to two emails, the boss is surprised that the file filed yesterday is so advanced. Booking at the opera for the brother-in-law’s birthday, he will discover Mozart’s Magic Flute and the little woman Papageno dreams of. Ein Mädchen oder Weibchen wünscht Papageno sich! What ? The credit card is refused? The big one hasn’t come in, the little one tells me that there’s water in the kitchen and that his nanny isn’t there? The spouse is at the other end of the earth and the boss asks me again for an emergency costing. “The control freak is often a perfect candidate for burnout”, comments Agnes Mensocoach of SME and ETI managers.
Take comfort in control
“The control freak is a characteristic of a hyper-controlling person, who does not want to leave anything to chance, whether for themselves or for others, in their personal and professional environment”, she continues. Neither spontaneity nor unforeseen. Above all, no surprises. “She will anticipate everything. She anticipates your requests, of which you are not necessarily aware”, specifies the expert again. A control freak who assumes what others can’t do and does it for them. “Don’t be fooled: by this attitude (“it’s for your good”, “it’s good for you”), he is above all doing himself a favor, because he then feels safe” . This hyper-controlling personality does not stop at the gates of his home or business: everything must be planned 24/7. Exhausting, excessive for her and for others. “I don’t think you are born a control freak, but you become one,” says Agnès Menso. Trauma has its origins… in the past, in particular by drivers or constraining systems that the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Eric Berne explains in transactional analysis, which are five in number (“be strong”, “be perfect”, ” please”, “make an effort”, “hurry up”) and by which the child builds himself by dint of hearing them. Trauma, because it is through a lack of self-confidence that we manufacture this functioning. “It’s a chain system, the control freak is permanently up against the wall and can’t stop”.
And one day, the saving grain of sand
“Overall, we are all a bit of a control freak! But the higher you go in the hierarchy, the more control you have because you are constantly exposed and there is no room for error”, underlines the expert. However, error is part of learning, but not in the mode of operation of the control freak, which needs recognition and power. “A perfectionist taken to the extreme, the control freak is generally very intelligent, intuitive, and is often found in HPI”. Victoria Beckham and Steve Jobs are well-known examples. So, to work in good conditions with them, you have to listen to them, understand them, anticipate what they are going to do to reassure them and forge a bond in keeping with their obsession with perfection. No need to talk to them about letting go or zen, they will only delegate if they feel confident or if they are forced to do so. It takes a lot of understanding and empathy, but it weighs. “However, we should not believe that they are bad colleagues: on the contrary, we learn a lot with them, specifies Agnès Menso. Unfortunately, I do not believe that they are able to hear that the collective, the delegation and mutual aid is part of life”. On the other hand, beware of the slightest grain of sand – and there are always some – which will put this maniac in a state of stress, of panic which will make his life totally uncomfortable because he loses control over what he has imagined. “As long as he has not come close to or experienced an extreme situation, he remains on his hyper painful process, for him and for his entourage. Then, he must ask himself what he can let go, what he can delegate and that’s when the work finally begins.”