It is very important to know how to say “no” for your own well-being.
It is absolutely necessary to put the church back in the middle of the village. ““No” is often demonized, labeled negative, so it’s something very natural. This is what originally allows us to differentiate ourselves from others.“, immediately explains Barbara Vionnet, clinical psychologist. “Moreover, if children begin to use it, from the age of two, it is because it is a spontaneous response, assured without any malice, simply to affirm a desire or a need., she continues. “When I say “no”, it is to affirm MY desires and MY desires. And yet, as simple and natural as it may seem when Barbara Vionnet explains it, it can be very complicated to say for some. “It may even be impossible“, describes the psychologist.
Why can’t we do it?
For what ? “What comes up often is the fear of rejection. How will the no be perceived by the other?” dissects the professional, who also sees it as a symptom of a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. “It’s being afraid to assert yourself. Except that in reality, not knowing how to say no means not knowing how to position yourself, not knowing how to set your limits.”. In certain situations, this can be very disabling. “Because of this inability to say “no”, some of my patients find themselves caught up in situations – social, romantic, often at work too – that do not suit them..”
3 tips to get there
But then, in practice, how do we know how to say no? “Unfortunately, there is no miracle solution.“, continues the professional.
► If the fear is light, “sit down and return to the original meaning of “no” should be enough. Reassure yourself, free yourself from guilt, saying to yourself: I’m not going to do something bad, I’m just going to say “no” because I don’t want to…”
► Relativize : “This will absolutely not be an attack on the other, saying “no”, It’s not something bad.” Also keep in mind that you say no to a proposal and not to a person.
►If the fear is more pervasive “you will need to consider getting help“, adds Barbara Vionnet, for whom this inability to say “no” has its origins in childhood. “Often, we have to return to the management of “no” in early childhood to understand this fear. Was he heard and respected? Or flouted and punished?“. The answer, as an adult.