Hilla Uusimäki parks her car in the yard of the fair hall in Tampere. The huge parking lot is almost empty, only the cars and bikes of a few athletes are standing. The engine quiets down, but Uusimäki is frozen in the car seat. Nothing feels more repulsive than going to the gym. Tears run down the cheeks. The body is tired. The mind can’t stand any more adversity. Uusimäki wipes his eyes, gets out of the car and walks into the hall. He runs around the track, but his legs are heavy and his thoughts can’t keep up. The feeling is terrible. Coach Petra Stenman looks worriedly at her protégé and blows the whistle to end the game.
Uusimäki goes home resigned, but on the other hand relieved. A new attempt tomorrow. If only it were a better day.
Just under two years later, a relaxed, laughing and energetic athlete is training in the same hall. Hilla 2.0, as the coach describes her. The 27-year-old hurdler has a year and a half of healthy training behind him, which is a long time for Uusimäki.
Uusimäki remembers two years ago as the darkest period of his sports career. In the background there were injuries and illness, in addition to which the mental balance had also been shaken. For the first time, Uusimäki had seriously considered quitting. Whether life would be easier if you did something completely different.
– This thing should never get to the point where doing it is so disgusting that you cry in the courtyard of the hall, Uusimäki smiles.
– If, as an athlete in my twenties, who had achieved top results, I had known what lay ahead, I don’t know if I would have continued.
From top results to injury cycle
Uusimäki’s talent was already noticed in his junior years. He trained in Vantaa in Kenttäurheilijat-58 and developed steadily. In 2015 and 2016, he celebrated the adult Finnish championships.
– I lived in the belief that this will go well and that things will progress year by year. When I was young, things were taken for granted, Uusimäki recalls.
The promising athlete’s good results were noticed on the competition fields and outsiders’ expectations rose. Although Uusimäki himself did not feel that he was a special talent, he felt the pressure on his neck.
– I was probably quite similar to many other young athletes. When success came and the expectations of others rose, I began to bear external pressures, Uusimäki says.
After two top seasons, expectations were really high when going into the new training season and the competition summer after that.
Leg problems, pre-stress fracture of the foot, hamstring problems, hip problems. In the spring of 2017, the cycle of injuries began, with no end in sight. Uusimäki tried to train, but drifted into a bad state of overexertion. Uusimäki had enrolled as a high school student and took a gap year, so sport was the only big thing in life. The means to discharge the energy were few.
– When I didn’t get to fully train, I compensated for it, for example, by being particularly careful with what I ate. It made recovery difficult because I didn’t get enough energy, Uusimäki says.
– Thoughts revolve only around sports. I was stressed and anxious about the challenging situation. Everything was really heavy.
For the first time, a sad thought crept into Uusimäki’s mind. What if all expectations for success are not met?
After the 2019 season, Uusimäki picks up the phone and calls Petra Stenman, who is familiar from the national team coaching. Uusimäki wants something new. He wants not only a goal-oriented coach, but also a gentle person who understands and has helped other athletes in similar situations. Petra seems reliable, the kind of person with whom it would work. After a long discussion, Stenman agrees to become Uusimäki’s coach. Due to the overworked state of Uusimäki, everything has to be started from the beginning.
In addition to training patterns, Uusimäki’s life had also gained new content through studies. Uusimäki tossed around numerous options when there was no clear object of interest. Uusimäki was interested in everything related to health and after a long search he ended up studying pharmacy. The challenges of the rest of life also reflected on the school bench.
– Studying was painful at first. The first years of school were difficult in sports, and I had a hard time with myself. There was no way to find a study swim, Uusimäki recalls.
The collaboration with Stenman went well, but training was difficult. It was a big disappointment when the change alone did not make the problems disappear. Uusimäki, who moved to Tampere for sports, had done everything and was committed. Still, nothing worked.
In the summer of 2022, Uusimäki will not train. He does everything else and thinks carefully about whether sports are his thing anymore. Uusimäki understands that if he still wants to play sports, he has to seek help for mental challenges. A Psychotherapist is found and the work begins. After a break, the spark returns. People around still see the potential, if only health would be preserved. Gradually, Uusimäki himself also begins to believe again. In the fall, he returns to training and something miraculous happens. A motivated athlete drives to the hall’s yard. The foot rises lightly and the throat is not strangled. The feeling is good both mentally and physically. He can manage to train, and the clock shows progress. Something can become of this, Uusimäki thinks and at the same time is amazed: How can the direction suddenly change completely?
Although training with Stenman had started moderately, neither of them had realized how long the road would be ahead.
– I had pushed myself so far that we had to work on things a lot. The first years were difficult. I experienced moments of despair when I wondered if I would ever recover, if anything would come of this, if I would even have the ability to run hard. There were a lot of doubts, Uusimäki recalls.
– After the deepest pit, Petra and I decided that if we try one more time, it must be really fun. I can’t do anything that I have to force myself to do, says Uusimäki.
Stenman’s patience helped in moments when the athlete’s own faith wavered.
– When it’s a new athlete, we look for different solutions and working models. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right solutions. It took us a while, Stenman commented.
– Hilla is already an adult athlete, a conscientious trainee and easy to coach. Thanks to good communication, we have come this far.
Peace of mind from psychotherapy
In psychotherapy, it became clear that the sports environment had fueled problems that had existed for years, for which, in retrospect, help could have been sought even earlier. Uusimäki hopes that if someone notices an athlete’s sickness, they will dare to intervene strictly.
– It’s often difficult to deal with such things, but in my case, I should have put sports on hold much earlier. I wasn’t able to make such a decision myself and of course I didn’t talk about everything out loud, Uusimäki commented.
The help Uusimäki has received has been comprehensively supportive of mental well-being.
– I can manage different emotions better. I recognize negative emotions, let them come, process them and move on from them. I can deal with failures more lightly than before and I don’t dwell on them, says Uusimäki.
In addition to the family, the most important supporters have been a coach and a training partner Ella Räsänen. The importance of work as a counterweight cannot be underestimated either. After the initial difficulty, pharmacy had started to feel like a field of its own and was seriously interesting. Now Uusimäki is a complete pharmacist. It is also possible that only the summer training break gave the body enough rest and it finally recovered properly.
– I talk about sports in my spare time too. Sometimes the negative coil is left on. In the pharmacy, I can’t think about them, I have to focus on work. When the customer service mode is on, other things are forgotten, Uusimäki says.
Confidently towards dreams
In February 2024, Uusimäki will shine in the SM indoor games. The competitions are held in the home hall, you feel confident. Uusimäki knows he is in good shape and nothing stands in the way of success. On Saturday, there will be a victory in the 400 meter side event and on Sunday in the 300 meter hurdles. The feeling at the finish line is calm, even surprisingly calm and euphoric. Succeeding for a long time does not bring about an emotional frenzy, but a calm feeling of pleasure. Congratulations are pouring in both from the stands and in messages. The coach is surprised and happy, genuinely happy that the long work is finally bearing fruit.
– I consciously tried to just enjoy the moment. I didn’t think about the next goals, that I can run even harder. I just enjoy, Uusimäki smiles.
There were six long years between Uusimäki’s first and last Finnish championship. Years full of despair, anxiety, pain and disappointment.
Uusimäki relaxes with Räsänen in his home gym. Both have a smile on their face. The sun is glimmering through the large windows, which indicates spring and the approaching summer. Both are healthy and the training is enjoyable. Uusimäki and his coach have reached a point where they dare to set goals and cautiously dream of success. Next summer’s dreams include the European Championships in Rome in June, good results in the early season and then maybe the Olympic Games in Paris. A lot of work has been done with the fears inside the head, and the Mörös still haven’t completely gone away.
– Sometimes it’s hard to trust that everything will go well. But I already dare to dream and talk about my goals out loud. And I honestly believe that I can finally achieve my goals, Uusimäki smiles.
– I also know that if a crisis comes, I will not be alone. I have ways of dealing with things and people around me. I know I can always move forward.