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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Do you think that the other should (always) make you happy? Or that the flame of the beginnings should return? These relational lies should be banned, warn two psychological experts.
Out of hope or simple naivety, it is common to believe that the other person can change everything in a relationship. Except that these little relational lies are much more harmful than we think… Here are 7 of them to absolutely ban.
Beliefs that act as “self-protection”
In a newspaper article Psychology Todaypsychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explains the collateral damage caused by these marital lies.
“These relationship lies often begin as self-protective beliefs, perhaps to explain away a disagreement or justify a problematic feeling. Yet these lies become barriers that erode trust, empathy, and connection over time.”confirms the specialist in marital relations.
But what are these relational lies? How to spot them? Here are some examples to keep in mind…
- “If he really loved me, he would know.” Expectations of others are greatly exaggerated here. “No one can read minds, even if we care about it. Expecting a partner to understand your needs instinctively without clear communication can lead to disappointment and resentment”explains Jeffrey Bernstein.
- “My partner should make me happy.” And no! Your happiness should never depend on others.“No one can – or should – take full responsibility for another’s happiness. True relationship satisfaction results from a healthy balance between personal satisfaction and shared joy.”underlines the psychologist.
- “If I try hard, I can change it.” This is a common misconception, but one that has never been proven, explains Jeffrey Bernstein. “Trying to change a partner usually backfires because it disregards their autonomy and can make them feel inadequate. Lasting change in a relationship comes from mutual respect, not from a partner who shapes the other so that he corresponds to his expectations”recalls the specialist.
A point of view, validated by our psychologist, Amélie Boukhobza.
“Of course, the illusions cited by this psychologist are harmful to the couple. Believing that love confers super powers of telepathy is a rather dangerous illusion. It’s still much easier to tell your partner things.“, she emphasizes. “The myth of the perfect relationship also does a lot of damage. The truth is that all relationships take work. The partner who should make us happy places disproportionate responsibility on the other. No one can carry the weight of our happiness for us… Finally, believing that we can change others is the ultimate illusion!“
Other toxic lies to ban
If previous relational lies must be put aside, still others must be discarded, for the sake of marital well-being.
- “We are made for each other, so everything should flow naturally.” Misunderstandings, distance, tensions, eroded desire… Life as a couple is not a long, quiet river, even when love is present.”It is undoubtedly the most romantic illusion, but also the most pernicious. warns Amélie Boukhobza. “No relationship is fluid all the time. Even with the best compatibility, differences emerge, and they take work. To believe that a relationship is built without effort is to condemn yourself to disappointment from the first hitch.”
- “If we love each other, we have everything we need.” Love is a starting point, not a guarantee of success, reminds the expert. “A relationship also requires a little effort… respect, communication, conflict management, and shared projects. Love, even if it is essential, is not enough alone to keep a couple upright in the face of life’s challenges.”
- “Things should go back to the way they were.” Over time, love changes inexorably. “Nostalgia for the beginning of the relationship can do a lot of harm. The relationship evolves and a love of 1 year is not a love of 1 month, nor a love of 10 years. It’s not better or worse; it’s different. So wanting to rediscover a past phase is to deny the natural transformations of life together. Love deepens over time, it builds, it anchors. The challenge is to build a relationship that continues to be alive, in the present.”
- “I have to be everything to my partner (and vice versa).” Big mistake. “Wanting the other to fulfill all needs – emotional, intellectual, social – or thinking that you must be everything for him/her, is an overwhelming burden… and an extremely harmful illusion, because it cannot be achieved “, concludes the psychologist.
Slide: 10 signs that your relationship is balanced