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When we talk about gaslighting, this technique of mental manipulation, we think more of the couple. However, some parents can also have this attitude with their children. If in this case, the parent’s intention is not to harm their child, unfortunately, the consequences on their self-confidence will be the same.
“Stop crying”, “Calm down!”, “Don’t be afraid”… These phrases, which we might think are banal, are in reality harmful when said to a child. Indeed, they have the common point of denying the emotions that children can feel and causing them, over time, to lose their self-confidence and their ability to understand their feelings.
A lack of empathy, sensitivity and compassion
When you say these types of sentences, as a parent, it is not to harm your child. “On the contrary, these are often parents who do not have the’empathythe sensitivity and compassion necessary to receive their child’s emotions” explains Leon F. Seltzer to PsychologyToday.
Faced with these painful situations – a child who is crying, having a tantrum or who is afraid – instead of helping them manage the emotion, the parent prefers to tell them to keep quiet. “But when we deny the reality that the child experiences, we are in reality unconsciously trying to dominate his thoughts or his feelings, which amounts to manipulating him. And the child, not having the necessary maturity and perspective to assert himself, will try to comply with what his parent asks him so firmly” adds the expert.
What are the consequences on the child’s development?
A child who gets into the habit of keeping his emotions quiet will gradually lose self-confidence. This can be seen in his behavior:
- He will develop distrust of others;
- He will constantly say he is sorry, even if it is not his fault;
- He will lack conviction in his ideas;
- He will develop a negative feeling which will make him believe that he is always wrong;
- He will constantly try to prove himself;
- He will regularly feel depreciated by others and isolate himself.
What can you do, as a parent, to avoid gaslighting your child?
As a parent, if you have a habit of silencing or denying your child’s emotions, it is likely that this comes from the way you yourself were raised. To know if you are reproducing this pattern with your child, ask yourself if:
- Were you too busy or preoccupied to pay sufficient and respectful attention to what your child was communicating to you?
- Did you respond casually to an important topic he brought to your attention?
- Did you deny some of what he said?
- Did you call him a name that denigrated him or belittle his views?
- Have you reneged on a promise you made, perhaps even denying you made it?
- You didn’t approve of him doing one thing differently, even if the result would be the same in the end?
If you recognize yourself in these questions, it is likely that you have pushed your child, consciously or not, to deny his emotions. But rest assured, according to Leon F. Seltzer, it is not impossible to break away from this “educational model”.
Delay the moment, but do not reject the request
Generally speaking, it must be recognized that children need attention on a daily basis. And very often, he will manifest this need at the least opportune moment for you. You will then be tempted to respond hastily or even ignore him, which would also be a form of “gaslighting”.
“The solution is to delay their request, showing them that you understand it but that you cannot answer it immediately“advises the psychologist.”Subsequently, you will have to take the time to understand what they were asking you, to communicate with them in a conscientious and empathetic manner.” he concludes.
Slide: 10 tips to give your child confidence