When Gabriel Eurell, 32, came out as gay in his 20s, it was not entirely unproblematic.
His father, Per-Olof, is a big profile within Swedish liberalism and at the time was strongly against LGBTQ people.
– There was an outcry when I came out, says Gabriel.
For a long period, Per-Olof Eurell had a high profile in Swedish free-spiritedness and was often seen in the media where he openly described what he thought of homosexuality and how it was a sin. But in the hidden, his son Gabriel sat on a secret. That he is gay, something he understood early on.
– I understood at the age of 12-13 that I liked boys. At church they had started talking about how to start feeling for girls at that age but I didn’t feel that way. I felt it for guys. Back then I had the image that being a Christian is the opposite of being gay, so I didn’t understand that I was.
When he began to realize that he was gay, he felt very bad, and began to question himself.
– I had been taught that homosexuality was a choice, and that it was connected with pedophilia and other things that were alienated from God. I felt such shame that I realized I was gay. Am I a perverted person then?
Straight before 16
Because the church had taught that homosexuality was a choice, Gabriel began actively working towards becoming heterosexual.
– I dated girls, tried to change my way of thinking, tried to change my self-image, get male role models and not be too feminine.
The goal was to become straight before he turned 16. But of course it didn’t work.
– Nothing changed my attitude. Finally I got to the place it was so dark, I felt sick, had obsessive thoughts and couldn’t live anymore.
Eventually he made up his mind. He had to do something about it.
– Then I had dated a girl and had just broken up and I went to God in prayer. I pleaded with him and asked god what to do. I knew that both God and the Church were thinking. It was wrong. But then a hope was born that maybe God was not against me. Then I read more literature and discovered that you could be both Christian and homosexual. I could be all of me.
Strong reactions
In a post on Instagram, he finally chose to come out with the truth: He was gay. The reactions were strong from several quarters. At first his father Per-Olof could not understand what was happening.
– It wasn’t on the map. Gabriel was a neat, good guy with a living faith and wanted to follow Jesus. He couldn’t be gay, he was a Christian.
Per-Olof, who had been active in the Free Church since he was a student, had for many years been fed information that homosexuality was a sin and that homosexuals were perverted people who lived a destructive lifestyle.
– In that situation, I thought it was the worst that could happen to a family like ours. Gabriel was not a perverted human being. He had not left the faith for a destructive life. There began a journey for me too, I had never studied this Christian context.
But Per-Olof quickly changed his mind and accepted Gabriel’s choice. Other voices were from the church.
– There was an outcry when I came out. There was a crisis meeting in the congregation, and all the doors were closed. In the past I was involved in a lot. From one day to another, those doors were closed, and it was the same for Per-Olof who refused to distance himself from me, says Gabriel.
The reactions were so strong that even Per-Olof was surprised.
– There was a culture of silence. They didn’t want to talk about it. It was surprising. Then there were many who under the surface have shown warmth and understanding, but from the management side the lid was on.
Want to see change
Today, Gabriel and Per-Olof have a great relationship. Something they had before too.
– Our relationship has become much better. We had a good relationship before, but there was a part of me I always hid. Being able to be fully myself now feels amazingly nice. Based on this, we have been able to share our story. We are organizing a conference together because we want to see a change within. Our relationship has become deeper and stronger.