Empty nest syndrome is a serious phenomenon that affects some parents when their children are old enough to take flight. The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Sylvie Angel sheds light on us.
Seeing their children leave the family home and leave the cocoonsome parents may experience what is called “the empty nest syndrome. A mixture of several emotions, which can refer to a baby blues bis. In general, they experience the departure of their child as a rupture or a separation, and some may even sink into a more serious psychological state. What exactly is empty nest syndrome? How does it manifest? Answers and advice from Sylvie Angel, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, founder of the Monceau family therapy center in Paris.
What is empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome refers to a disorder experienced by parents when children leave, which can turn into depression.. For the expert Sylvie Angel, this phenomenon is explained above all by a societal evolution: “Previously, the profession of children followed that of the parents. The departure of the child was therefore not experienced in the same way.” In a certain way, the families remained united around the trade, transmitted from father to son or from mother to daughter. These days, passing the professional torch is no longer the rule.
Moreover, the way of considering the child within the family has also changed. “Before, we had a lot of children, sometimes up to 10 or 12“, notes the psychiatrist. In comparison, today we tend to have fewer children, the bonds that we weave with them are more intense, more personal, which can trigger the empty nest syndrome in some parents. .
Empty nest syndrome can occur when the last child leaves, which is more frequent, but also sometimes when the first of the siblings leaves. Parents who are affected may experience several symptoms. Very often, it is a mixture of emotions that contradict each other:
- feeling of abandonment and pride
- family anxiety
- sadness and melancholy
- solitude
- depression
Can empty nest syndrome lead to depression?
In some cases, empty nest syndrome can cause depression in the parent. Depression being a mental illness, some parents live, sometimes without understanding it, a form of rupture or even profound abandonment that puts them in harm’s way. The problem is that “people often feel illegitimate to feel this void“, explains the psychiatrist. From there can also arise conflicts in the couple: “he [l’enfant, ndlr] called you, he didn’t call me”… Which ends up also creating a family anxiety and a big sadness. Symptoms specific to depression.
In addition, the specialist explains to us that she sees many unconscious strategies to keep children closer to you: “A mother breaks her leg just before her child leaves”, she cites as an example. Other parents also try to “keep control“on the children, by forcing them to come home to wash their clothes, for example. That said, the psychiatrist warns: “very few people are aware of it, it almost never happens that parents come to consult knowing that their discomfort comes from the departure of the children”.
“Very few parents are aware that their discomfort comes from the departure of the children.”
How long can empty nest syndrome last?
The duration varies from person to person. In some parents, empty nest syndrome and its symptoms will last a few weeks, and for others several yearsif not supported.
Is the empty nest syndrome more difficult to live with for single mothers?
The empty nest syndrome, which is an “extremely complicated” phenomenon according to Sylvie Angel, is even more so for single parent families. There is a greater prevalence among single mothers who express their emotions more, and who are sometimes closer to the children, they “mother” them. They can then experience the departure of their children more difficultly. Mothers, but also fathers, can be affected by this syndromeinsists the expert.
What is the impact of empty nest syndrome in the couple?
When the children eventually leave, some couples experience this famous empty nest syndrome. It is “a family reorganization with strong emotional situations“, details the specialist. The couple is bound by the education of the children, the latter take an important place in the habits and in the projects of the family and the parents. “When they leave, the couple find themselves alone and have to reinvent everything about their daily life.“.
This also corresponds to an “obligatory” life crisis: it is a new stage for the couple who must rethink themselves. Sometimes this can lead to breakage, it is a “separation accelerator”, underlines the psychiatrist who recognizes the difficulty of this ordeal. “Symbolically, to see one’s children leave is to enter another phase of life, that of grandparents. This puts forward an anguish of death, an impression of the last stage of life“, she illustrates.
How to prevent empty nest syndrome, what to do?
It is possible to prevent empty nest syndrome, anticipating the departure of the children and asking concrete questions about what we will do afterwards. You can thus upstream plan occupations for you, or with friends, when your child is gone. Social relationships and activities can help you stay on track and feel fulfilled again. In addition, you can also help your child to settle in his new home, to accompany him in his steps, this can allow you to become aware of things and to better understand them.
What are the books to read on empty nest syndrome?
Numerous books exist on the theme of the empty nest syndrome. To support parents who suffer from an empty nest, the psychiatrist advises turning to readings or testimonialswhether fictitious or real. Here are the books recommended by our expert, some of which she has written, as well as our selection:
► Think before you divorce!by Sylvie Angel (ed. Odile Jacob)
► Ah! What a family !, by Sylvie Angel (ed Pocket)
► The day the children leave, of Beatrice Copper-Royer (ed Albin Michel)
► My babya film by Liza Azuelos
► You and Me, we explain ourselves: the empty nest syndromeby Charlotte Attry and Brigitte Carrère (ed. Bamboo)
► Better cope with the departure of your children: 21 EFT exercises to put an end to fears and regain a serene life, by Danièle Chiron (ed AFNIL)
► Three little turns and then the children leaveby Cendrine Dominguez and Coco Khalfon (ed JC Lattès)
The effect produced by the departure of children varies completely from one country to another. For example, in the United States, in a classic way, after their graduation, there is this rite of passage which wants the children to go away to study at university. In fact, it is something that parents expect and are prepared for. “It’s a collective ritual”, summarizes Sylvie Angel. Whereas France, on the contrary, the children do not systematically go to obtain the baccalaureate. Many are studying at the local university and continue to live at home.
They even tend to leave later. They leave the family home on average at 23 years and 6 monthsaccording to 2021 data from Eurostat. Financial autonomy has a lot to do with it. Society and habits are also changing accordingly. For example ? “You accept things that you thought were unthinkable before, like letting your daughter come over to sleep with her boyfriend.”illustrates the specialist.
Thanks to Sylvie Angel, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, for her insight.