Emotional dependence: symptoms, solutions, in love?

Whether it be as a couple, in friendship, at work… The emotionally dependent feels insecure and lacks confidence. He is constantly seeking affection, recognition, approval and support from others. There is a real dependence, which can be extremely painful.

What is the definition of emotional dependence?

There affective dependance can be defined as a need for the affection of others even if it means neglecting one’s own person. She is considered to be a pathological condition when it causes suffering. Emotional dependence refers to a phenomenon of psychological incapacity to live by and for oneself. With little self-confidence, emotionally dependent people suffer from this lack in all areas of their lives, and particularly in the love domain. They have a strong tendency to fade away in front of their partner. These people constantly seek approval from their mate. They finally suffer from a unhealthy fear of abandonmentwhich weighs heavily on their relationships.

What are the signs of emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence can result in different signs of varying intensity depending on the individual:

• fear of abandonment,
• excessive jealousy,
• chronic dissatisfaction,
• inability to make decisions alone,
• lack of self-esteem,
• anxiety and depression (especially during a breakup),
• compulsive behaviors.

Emotional dependence also tends to encourage addictive behavior (alcohol, drugs, gambling) to escape suffering. “When it is too exclusive and invasive, emotional dependence has repercussions on daily life and deteriorates social and even professional life. In the couple, it is often the origin of conflicts which can lead to a breakup even though this is what the person fears.“, explains Doctor Dominique Servant, psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Emotional dependence in friendship or love

Whether in friendship or love, emotional dependence is an obstacle to healthy relationships. Just as in love, emotional dependence in friendship generally gives rise to a sick jealousybecause the dependent is very possessive towards the people he cares about. We therefore often find at his home the notion of exclusivity. The addict will therefore feel not only in competition with the friend he admires, with himself, but also with the people around them. It is impossible to achieve a healthy and stable relationship under these conditions: the addict will be eternally dissatisfied and psychologically exhausted.

What is the cause of emotional dependence?

Pathological states of emotional dependence mainly affect vulnerable individuals regarding attachment bonds. “It occurs in hypersensitive people, who lack self-confidence, having sometimes had difficulties in a previous relationship.“, continues the specialist. In some cases they have undergonen lack of affection during childhood or have experienced emotional shock, but it is not systematic. Women are generally more affected by emotional dependence than men.

Solution: what to do to get out of emotional dependence?

► Realize. This first happens through awareness of this state. It is often when things go wrong during a consultation with a psychologist that emotionally dependent people understand their emotional handicap. “If you cannot completely change your personality, you can, however, reduce this trait through personal development work and possibly psychotherapy.“, assures our interlocutor.

► Take time for yourself (alone). The addict must succeed in integrating the fact that he must first love himself in order to succeed in having a healthy romantic relationship. “The fear of being alone must be overcome by some simple exercises such as exposing yourself to moments of solitude or distance from othersengage in activities for yourself and by yourself and better accept emotions and frustrations“.

► Sport, artistic expression or meditation are all activities that can help him to know himself better and therefore gain confidence.

Is there a test to know if you are emotionally dependent?

there is no officially recognized test. There are plenty of them on the internet, particularly on psychology sites, but the results should be taken with great caution.

Who to consult in case of emotional dependence?

Faced with signs of suffering, anxiety and depression, it is recommended to seek medical advice (treating physician, psychiatrist or psychologist). The repercussions of emotional dependence may require specific treatment through couples therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (TTC). Indicated to treat disorders such as anxiety and addictive behaviors, CBT is recommended for people suffering from emotional dependence and wishing to be involved in the recovery process. The objectives of the treatment are mainly to change the dependent personality pattern and relearn appropriate behavior in order to regain autonomy and balance in the couple relationship.

Thanks to Doctor Dominique Servant psychiatrist and psychotherapist and author of “Free yourself from anxiety and phobias in 100 questions” (Editions Tallandier 2018)