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As a parent, we want our child to be happy, whatever their age. So why do some parents not appreciate their partner, even though he or she is supposed to participate in their development? An expert answers this thorny question.
No matter how hard you try, you don’t like your son’s new partner (or your daughter’s new partner). How to explain this feeling? An expert responds to the Huffington Post.
Looking for an ideal one for your child
“It’s easy to think that no one is good enough for your child. You only want the best for him (or her) and you would like the person to be perfect” first explains the American therapist Colleen Marshall to HuffPost. At the same time, you must trust your child to make this choice for themselves. “He is the best person to know what this partner should be for them” she continues.
Shared feelings and tension for parents
But sometimes there is nothing to be done, you just don’t like your spouse. It is therefore not uncommon to find yourself in a delicate situation. Torn between the desire to respect the choice of his/her child and the desire to share with him/her the faults of his/her partner. When should you step back and let your child make their own decisions? And when should you step in and say something in the interest of your child’s well-being? An expert helps you.
Three questions to ask yourself to see things more clearly
To help you answer these questions, the therapist suggests that you ask yourself these three questions. According to Colleen Marshall, they allow you to see things more clearly. Here they are:
- What exactly is your concern?
“If you find that the words or actions of your child’s partner irritate you, try to understand exactly what is bothering you” recommends the expert. “It’s possible that what you consider to be wrong is simply a difference in the way things are done in your family or theirs, or behavior that you are not used to.”.
Indeed, each family has its own values, traditions or ways of doing things. This can be a source of tension in a new relationship. The religious aspect can be part of these tensions, if the new partner does not share the same religion, for example. So try to analyze this with hindsight, to understand what puts you off.
- How serious is your concern?
Again, if you don’t like some of your daughter-in-law’s mannerisms, that’s understandable, but you’ll probably have to get used to it. On the other hand, if you think that your child is under the influence or that he or she is experiencing psychological or physical violence, you must speak out. “In this situation you can’t leave things like this” underlines the expert.
Be aware, however, that the conversation you will have will not be easy. You will need to think about the words you choose. “The key is to tell your child that you will always be there to support them, whatever their decision.” she says again. “By telling them that you will understand their choice to stay with this person, but that you are worried about their safety, explaining to them why.”. You should not judge or belittle your child, but make him understand that he can always count on you and turn to you when needed.
- Can you approach this topic with your child without judgment?
Instead of openly criticizing your child’s other half, the therapist suggests taking it easy. “By harshly criticizing her, there is a good chance that your child will turn on you and this can only deteriorate your relationship.” she warns. Better to suggest to him what you find problematic, gently. “Your child will not see things from the same perspective at first, probably because he is very in love, but this could change in the future. she assures. “Make specific comments about the person’s behavior. Don’t target his character or personality.”.
Finally, try to question your child to find out what he finds so special about this person. Indeed, “it is difficult to judge a relationship from the outside” recalls Colleen Marshall. “Only the two people in the relationship can really know what it’s like, and whether it’s good for them or not. But you can try to understand what your child is looking for and why he likes this person.” Without forgetting to take a step back. “If there is no immediate danger, you must respect your child’s choice, and have confidence in their choices” she concludes.