Couple: the “ick”, this little detail that disgusts you about the other also says a lot about you

in collaboration with

Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)

You never really paid attention to the way he kept fixing his hair, the sound he made while drinking his coffee, or his staccato laugh. But now all you see or hear is that. And to tell the truth… it makes you tense, even disgusts you. Is this a normal development? Does this new defect signal the end of the relationship?

The “ick”, that little detail that becomes important

In popular jargon, this new defect that upsets you is called an ick, an abbreviation of the word “yuck” in English, or “yuck”. It’s about this little je ne sais quoi, a detail in the behavior of your loved one which gradually transforms into real disgust. The ick also has the property of being completely subjective, absurd and often unfounded. We are talking here about a noise, a gesture or a mania which was not prohibitive at the beginning of your history and which is unbearable to you today, not a fault like anger or lack of ‘hygiene). It is therefore a completely personal perception with no real basis.

A detail, or the visible part of the iceberg?

If you have a functional and balanced relationship, it is probably possible to without embarrassment suggest to your partner that they reduce the sound when they chew, or to take a step back yourself (after all it’s not so serious). But if the ick is too present, it is probably less harmless than you think.

“In relationships, these icks aren’t just annoying little quirks,” reveals for us Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist. “They often reveal unconscious expectations, our own limits and the tolerance we grant to the imperfections of the other. Sometimes even, these annoyances signal that our outlook on the relationship is changing. Behind an ick, there is often has deeper tensions that we refuse to see, accumulated frustration, unexpressed doubts…”

Added to this is a desire to strive towards an ideal… which is not always realistic. “It says something about our projection and our relationship with others. We are in a society where we tend to idealize, to have an ideal vision of ourselves and others, because we live through social networks where everything is smooth and shiny. But in reality, we quickly realize that everything is not perfect. adds psychiatrist Marine Colombel in the media Psychologies.com.

Accept the ick or leave, what solution?

For Amélie Boukhobza, however, this little defect that annoys us should invite us more to think than to slam the door on this relationship.

“This does not mean that the relationship is in danger, but perhaps these details annoy us because they touch on unspoken expectations, or resonate with behaviors inherited from our family.”

The secret? Take a step back and talk about it openly. Because, often, what irritates us about others says more about ourselves than about them.

Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship