Published on
updated on
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical Psychologist)
If your partner shies away from plans together and is evasive about the nature of your relationship, be careful. He or she may be a fan of “cookie jarring.”
Has your partner recently become distant, absent, and no longer wants to spend time with you? It is very likely that you are a victim of “cookie jarring,” a toxic love tendency that involves keeping the other person close.
The concept? One person keeps the other as a plan B.
What does “cookie jarring” mean?
This is a loving behavior where one partner treats the other as if he or she were a cookie to be kept in his or her own personal jar – at his or her disposal.
While this position is far from uncomfortable for the manipulator – because it allows him to always have a plan B – the other partner is completely wronged. He invests himself fully in the relationship and receives nothing (or very little) in return.
“Between galloping urbanization, the omnipresence of capitalism and the pressure to succeed, relationships are becoming more complex. Gender equality is redrawing the contours of the couple, and perhaps leaving behind the old model where each had their well-defined role. Today, we are faced with relationships where uncertainty reigns, where the other sometimes becomes a simple choice among other options, almost like a product on a shelf…”, regrets Amélie Boukhobza.
“Cookie jarring” embodies this phenomenon: one person keeps the other “up their sleeve”, like a plan B, while exploring other options. We never really commit, we stay in the middle. This is typical behavior of today, where the idea of really settling down with someone is sometimes scary. We multiply the options without ever fully investing ourselves, as if we were always waiting for the best opportunity, the best person. And that’s when I ask myself the question: does one of the two live in a more classic relationship model, where we choose each other for good, while the other is anchored in this era where everything is interchangeable, where nothing is ever definitive?” the expert asks.
The “Cookie Jarring” fanatic thus accumulates romantic partners so as to never run out of options. But it is also possible that he only has one on hand. In any case, the goal remains the same: always have a plan B nearby.
Why are some people giving in to the “cookie jarring” trend?
According to several relationship specialists, this loving attitude can be justified in different ways:
- Some cookie jarring enthusiasts engage in the practice because they are unhappy in their current relationship;
- Others do not want romantic or sexual exclusivity… but hide their intentions from their partner;
- Finally, some people have a fear of abandonment; that is, a fear of being rejected or abandoned;
Basically, this behavior reflects an era where romantic relationships have become spaces of uncertainty and precaution, confides Amélie Boukhobza.
“We test, we observe, but we no longer give ourselves up completely. We want it all: the excitement of novelty, the security of having someone in reserve, without ever really choosing. But does that really correspond to what we want in life? If we meet someone we like, why not simply invest ourselves fully, without keeping options in reserve? If it works, we continue, otherwise we leave. That’s my opinion… and my advice! That is to say, we don’t linger in a relationship (if we can call it a relationship…) where the other person doesn’t respond, isn’t present, doesn’t give or only gives crumbs. A little respect for yourself, for goodness sake!” she gets carried away.
The other question, ultimately, is whether “cookie jarring” is not just a response to our current fears: “fear of commitment, fear of missing out on something better“, the expert continues to wonder.
“And here, it becomes essential to ask ourselves if this mode of relationship is really what makes us happy, or if we would not do better to return to something more sincere, more direct.” she concludes.
Slide: 10 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship