Almost all of us have stories like this to tell. But let’s listen to that of Caroline, 28 years old. At the beginning of July, the young woman took a train to return to her parents, in Mulhouse. Placed next to a “family square”, she has a twinge of apprehension when she settles down; “but we can’t predict,” she philosophizes. Two parents with small children – about 1 and 5 years old – sit there. “I always try to be lenient. Just this time we tested my limits.” On the way, the children scream, without the parents reprimanding them. The eldest rolls her toy car on the table between the armchairs in a ruckus of metallic bearings and rattles. “But the pompom, reports Caroline, it was when the mother changed the diaper of the youngest directly in the common space.”
Don’t speak out of anger
Embarrassed, Caroline said nothing. Letting anger and fatigue rise in her. “I’m going to be told that I don’t have children, that I can’t know”, regrets the one who would like to have the nerve of one of her friends, who has developed her personal technique: going straight to the family, lean towards the noisy child and whisper to him, calmly: “But where is your mum – or where is your dad?” This relieves, certainly, but which can raise the parental storm in return! Fortunately, other keys and techniques for traveling in peace – with your children, or those of others – exist…
Psychologists (and experience) are adamant: attacking the attendants of noisy toddlers head-on is not a good idea. “It’s the best way to generate aggression, believes Caroline Mussy, specializing in parenting and child psychology. It’s also useless to replay the pool scene of Our happy days, when Caroline, the depressed animator, yells her frustration at one of the children, who refuses to take a dive. “No, it is better to speak directly with the parents, continues the psychologist. But in order not to aggravate the situation, do not speak under the influence of anger.
Avoid tantrums
To avoid fits of rage – yours or those of others – a counter-intuitive tip: “Get out of the car, go to the platform, continues Caroline Mussy. It is important to get some fresh air to avoid losing your cool when you want to approach someone.” Anger is a bad adviser: “Rather than reproaching parents, it is better to offer help, or a compassionate smile that will calm their anxieties a little,” says Dr Arnault Pfersdorff, pediatrician, author of Your child – 0 to 16 years old, New Parent’s Guide (Hatier). Marie*, 29, experienced it herself. Stuck on a Paris-Fort-de-France flight of almost nine hours, the young woman did not hesitate to offer her assistance to a mother a little overwhelmed by the energy of her toddler. “I simply offered to make her walk, she says. The little girl very quickly understood what I was saying, held out her arms to me. We went around the plane until she returns to her mother’s lap, and falls asleep.” To be effective, the doctor suggests approaching families with a turnkey proposal: “You have to try to divert the child’s attention. Do not hesitate, if you have a dog, to let it be petted, for example, or to submit a picture book, if you have one.” The rule is simple: a constructive approach is better than a thousand scathing remarks.
Because if the screams annoy the other passengers, they also chill their parents. Who hasn’t been mortified to see their offspring screaming to death in a train car full of dynamic young executives? “This is precisely why I avoid taking the train as much as possible, says Emilie, young mother of a 9-month-old boy. I feel guilty as soon as my baby starts to bellow. Make no mistake about it: when a child is screaming and we can’t calm him down, we know that everyone is cursing us.” The purest example of the vicious circle: the anguish of the parents feeds the nervousness of the children. “It’s as if they felt our stress, and took the opportunity to test the limits, agrees Anne, another young mother. As we do not want to make a scene, we are much more permissive with them than at home. .” Everything is then used to avoid the judgment of the wagon. But among parents too, advice exists to help them help their toddlers to stay calm. “Already take into account the age of the people you are traveling with, notes Caroline Mussy. From the age of 6, we are able to keep quiet, because that’s what school asks. Before, it’s more risky: a little one from 2 to 5 years old has a lot of energy to spend, and will therefore be more restless.”
© / Klaas Verplancke
The shot of the “photo album”
That being said, no matter the age: whether at 1 month, 2, 5 or 7 years old, each child has their place in a compartment. “You just have to prepare well for the trip,” notes the psychologist. For this, she recommends preparing to “follow the child in his needs”. “In the train, in particular, the child is not attached. Out of the cocoon of the car and his seat belt, he will inevitably want to move. Prepare to have to get up, to make him walk, to pass time in the dining car, which is always busier,” she continues. If you have the possibility, do not hesitate to book late hours for your journeys, or far from siestas. “The ideal is to travel at night. This often scares parents, but do not hesitate: after dinner, the child will in principle be calmed down, and will fall asleep more easily than during the day, advises Arnault Pfersdorff The worst case scenario being early afternoon, when the child may miss their nap schedule and be very upset.”
Arriving early is also a plus, to avoid panicking. A reflex is also essential: the attendants should not hesitate to ask for help from other passengers. “Even if you don’t need it, suggests the pediatrician. It can be a request to carry luggage, for example.” A simple remark can sometimes do the trick. “Make one or more people smile, say ‘I hope the trip will go well’, and you will have done part of the job, he continues. Each time, the idea is to create a bond with someone ‘one to avoid being alone during the journey.’
Who would have thought that traveling by train would require you to deploy treasures of friendliness worthy of a presidential candidate? The suggestion may seem ridiculous, but it works: these allies of circumstance can allow you to calm the situation. “By being attentive to others, you defuse a lot of situations. You shouldn’t let your child scream without saying anything either, at the risk of increasing the judgment of other passengers.”
A reprimand, even if it is not acted upon, will appease the wagon. Finally, the health professional advises against opting for the easy solution: screens. “Now everyone knows they are bad, especially for children under 3. Choosing this option means ensuring the judgment of other passengers.” Instead, opt for your phone’s “photo album” solution. “By taking your child on your lap, telling him a story, you have a much better chance of calming him down, he ends. And of showing that you care about him.” A way to soften the judgment of other passengers… and finally get the situation under control.
* The first name has been changed