Published on
Updated
Reading 5 min.
in collaboration with
Nicole Landry-Dattée (Clinical psychologist and child psychoanalyst)
Friday evening, the Princess of Wales broke the silence to announce that she had cancer. She also spoke of the time necessarily taken to announce it to her family and in particular to her three children. But how do you talk about the disease when you are an affected parent? Nicole Landry Dattée, clinical psychologist and child psychoanalyst, gave us her advice.
Kate Middleton, Caroline Receveur: two mothers facing illness
After more than two months of silence about her state of health, Kate Middleton spoke on Friday March 23 to announce her cancer. A delay necessary to deal with the shock, but also and above all to discuss this with family and calmly, the Princess of Wales justified herself.
“It took a while to explain this to George, Charlotte and Louis in a way that was appropriate for them, and reassure them that I was going to be okay.”
In the show What an era! on Saturday March 24 (France 2), it was the influencer Caroline Receveur who also spoke with emotion about the way she had to talk about the disease (breast cancer) and its treatments to her son, only 5 years old .
Two publicized examples which remind us that when illness strikes a father or mother, beyond acceptance and care, there is also this difficult question: how best to talk about it with your children, how to warn without destroying them? Nicole Landry-Dattée, clinical psychologist at the origin of the first support group for children of sick parents at the Gustave-Roussy hospital, gives us her advice.
Talking to your child about cancer should be obvious
The first question that often comes to mind for affected parents is whether to discuss their illness with their child, or to protect them from this announcement which can turn their world upside down. But for Nicole Landry Dattée, the question does not arise. “I was often struck by the number of parents who lied to their children on this subject, who said nothing. But telling the truth is essential in these moments.” Indeed, saying nothing is often much worse than the announcement itself.
“First of all, the child, even when very young, will understand that something is happening, that mom (or dad) is often tired, or sad, that she has gone to the hospital… However, what he can imagine is often worse than the truth”.
Moreover, it is in this moment that the trust that the child has in his parent is at stake in the present and in times to come.
“It’s important to show him that we’re not going to try to deceive him. Imagine, if the disease progresses negatively? It’s a double shock for a child: discovering their parent is at their worst, or dead, and lying, all this time. In this context, it will be impossible for him to trust adults.“
Choose your words carefully, without minimizing the facts
But speaking out does not mean brutalizing. As the expert says: children want the truth, but told “with kind words”. This involves approaching the subject of cancer, with all the seriousness that it entails, but taking care to choose your words, gradually. “We’re not going to start with “mom or dad has cancer” she recalls. On the other hand, we can start from what the child already knows (mom was sick/tired) to unfold the facts, as simply as possible using everyday words: “You know that mom went to the hospital, we found a lump in her, and then we went to see the doctor, we did some tests to see what was in that lump.” We can then talk about “bad cells” For example.
But the word cancer can come gradually, as the child understands the situation. “Moreover, it is often he who will ask “but is it cancer?”, and in this case, yes, we will confirm it to him, giving him all the information he wants to have.”
On the other hand, there is no point in minimizing. We are not talking about a “boo” in the stomach, or in the breast, for example, which again would cause the child to lose his confidence, especially if the situation deteriorates.
Address the subject as early as possible
Then comes the question of when to approach the subject frankly with your children? Our expert’s answer is also clear: as soon as possible for the parent, that is to say as soon as the mother or father feels ready to talk about it.
“You must of course digest the diagnosis yourself, before discussing your cancer with your child, but ideally, it would be preferable to discuss it before the first treatment, which leaves a small margin. For what ? Because as soon as we have said the word and confirmed to the child that it is cancer, something serious, it is important to announce immediately that there is treatment. Which means to the child ‘we can treat mom or dad’.”
The difficult question of hope
It is also natural that questions so feared by parents, such as healing or death, are raised. The psychologist advises once again to choose your words carefully.
“Any question about death or healing deserves an answer, but I advise, for example, never to use the word cure or healed (which is never certain), but “care” (or treated) for example. So, when faced with a question about “are you going to get better, or are you going to die”, the response that is closest to the truth will be: “we are going to do everything it takes to heal me, and to get out of it. “”.
The same goes for remission, which will be used for the benefit of “healing”. “Remission indicates that the disease is neutralized, but saying that one is cured indicates to the child that it will not come back. But we don’t know.”
What we can promise, however, is to always keep the child informed of what will happen. To always tell him the truth. And to remain the reliable person who listens to him.
Once the announcement has passed, it is of course appropriate to monitor your child, see how he copes with it, and reassure him by keeping him informed.
- If the child shows concern, we can accompany him, remind him that the treatments are intended to treat mom/daddy and invite him to freely ask any questions that cross his mind.
- It is also about being concrete, showing him the mutual support put in place in the family, keeping him informed of changes that may take place (after leaving school, etc.) in complete transparency.
- Finally, we must learn to spot the child’s signs of worry in the long term (hence the importance of relying on school for example), and see if this diminishes or not.
“It is completely normal for a child who has just learned of their parent’s illness to have difficulty falling asleep, or to feel sad. But if the symptoms show worsening despite your explanations, there will always be time to offer psychological help so that the child can talk about his stress. Sometimes children also keep things quiet to protect their parents.”
In this support, the psychologist also evokes the power of supports which can open dialogue, or reassure the child. Such as the book Anatole said, from K’Noé, which you can read with your child and then leave available to them. Other supports have also been founded to date to facilitate parent/child dialogue on illness, such as the cartoon created by the Valenciennes hospital center (in collaboration with the supinfocom Rubika school), which helps explain cancer to children.