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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Can infidelity happen suddenly and spontaneously or is it the result of a long thought process? To better understand this act, we asked Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
“It fell on me“… Can we really believe our partner, when he explains to us that his separation from Caroline was sudden, if not suffered? Vast debate. To try to understand this “spontaneous infidelity”, Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist clinician, gives us some answers.
Infidelity on a “whim”, error of judgment… Because we can all be tempted, one day, to end the evening with this man who has been eyeing us for hours, we can only understand the concept of spontaneous infidelity, or the fact of desiring a third person other than one’s spouse – and going through with this adventure.
However, there are many experts who refute the idea that partners would be vulnerable at a moment excuse to take the plunge.
Conversely, for researchers Parvati Varma and Saurabh Maheshwari, who carried out work on the subject and were featured in the media Psychology Todayspontaneous infidelity is a real uncontrollable phenomenon, which would manifest itself “on the spur of the moment“.
They thus affirm that spontaneous infidelity begins with the appearance of a “potential” partner, an element “playing a very important role“. Whereas in the case of planned infidelity – where the partner has taken time to think – the process is influenced by “risk factors“, like a “relationship dissatisfaction” (which can come from marital conflict or even geographical distance).
Spontaneous infidelity: our expert’s opinion on this subject
We like to imagine that infidelity follows a “well-rehearsed” scenario, a plan.
“However, it can also happen without warning, without premeditation. An exchanged look, an unexpected connection, and there you have it, the barriers crumble… Especially when they are not completely closed.” recognizes Amélie Boukhobza.
The most disturbing thing, in fact, is of course the spontaneity of the impulse.
“It is not an elaborate plan, but a moment where we let ourselves be carried away, sometimes almost in spite of ourselves. This type of infidelity feeds on areas of vulnerability: accumulated frustrations, ignored needs that suddenly find a space to express themselves. Sometimes it’s a question of personality too, in those who feel a constant need to seduce and struggle to stop themselves.” affirms the expert who nevertheless admits that this “don’t excuse anything“.
“This behavior reveals a lack, a flaw. Understanding what happened also means questioning what, in the relationship or in oneself, allowed this fragility.” she emphasizes.
So, can this infidelity really “just happen”?
“Yes, if certain situations support what was not said, not listened to. Or if we are faced with personalities in seduction, who allow infidelity to arise. The main thing is to understand the reasons for this impulse so that it does not repeat itself.” she concludes.
Slide: 10 signs that prove you are dealing with a serial cheater