Vice seems to be unique to adults, but children can also be manipulative. Should we worry about this and associate this often temporary character trait with narcissistic perversion? The answers of Eve Piorowicz, clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst and of Sophie Millot, psychologist.
Naughtiness in children is an almost taboo subject. How could an innocent child be naughty or even vicious? However, we have all seen during childhood that children can sometimes be cruel with their little friends. Should we be worried about it and look for signs of perversion – especially narcissistic – during childhood? The answers of Eve Piorowicz, clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst and co-author with Sabine Turcat of the book Baby, tell me everything (Ed. Leduc) and Sophie Millot, psychologist.
Can a child be vicious?
Children, whoever they are, can have a little perverse behavior, manipulate those around them and sometimes need to be selfish to build themselves. However, it is not necessarily pathological! During their development, they sometimes adopt the behavior that brings them the most advantages, most often taking their cue from the adults around them. “It refers to Rousseau’s state of nature theory that society perverts the naturally good man. For the child, we can say that it is somewhat the same thing. A child is not naturally inclined to lies, to theft, to cruelty. On the other hand, the environment has an influence on development and therefore on behavior.“, explains Sophie Millot.
Children, whoever they are, can have a little perverse behavior
Is the narcissistic pervert built from childhood?
A narcissistic pervert is a person who has a bad image of himself and who values himself by belittling others. Giving the impression of being superior to others, she feels the need to be admired, manipulates those close to her and does not feel guilty when she hurts them. Does this personality disorder start in childhood? “We can effectively say that things are built during childhood. But a child is under construction therefore in motion. You can’t put it in a category.e”, explains Eve Piorowicz
A child is not born manipulator Fortunately ! “He is born observant and attentive. He knows very well how to spot that when mom says no, dad says yes or vice versa. Choosing the parent who will be able to respond to a desire is therefore proof of adaptation. The problem arises when the manipulation is daily to thwart situations of frustration by justifying a behavior, by turning the situations to one’s advantage or by placing oneself as a victim. She systematically obtains satisfaction and is never restrained in his desires, the frustration becomes intolerable and a balance of power sets in. The most frequent behaviors consist of making people feel guilty, playing on emotions, using affective blackmail, playing on parents’ fears and doubts, using what they have learned by turning it to their advantage. “, explains Sophie Millot.
He is born an observer and listener. He knows very well how to spot that when mom says no, dad says yes or vice versa. Choosing the parent who will be able to respond to a desire is therefore proof of adaptation.
Asking yourself the question and realizing that your child is manipulative is already a good start, but this awareness is unfortunately not enough. “If the behavior can settle, there is a problem. The child adopts this behavior because it functions – and often because this type of mechanism is used in the family to varying degrees. It is therefore important not to participate and to remain firm as much as possible by being consistent in your actions and your words. You cannot refuse for one reason and then give in five minutes later for another reason. Likewise, it is important that both parents stay on the same course as much as possible, even if they are separated.“, advises Sophie Millot.
Is a vicious child necessarily naughty?
Rest assured: a child who seems to be manipulative is not fundamentally bad for all that and he is not predestined to a destiny of sociopath or psychopath ! It is also necessary to know how to distinguish a clever child, personal, even with a devious spirit from the person who suffers from real behavioral deficits. In this sense, certain adult disorders are projected onto the children who cannot have lessons so early on, but from which we can eventually identify certain beginnings in order to better correct them.
Is this the sign of a gifted?
No, there is no relationship between a child High Intellectual Potential (HPI), formerly called gifted, and the tendency towards manipulation or vice. It is said that when it comes to nonsense, a child “has a lot of ideas”! Namely that a child always has an overflowing imagination that he puts to use in all situations (good and bad!), without this being the sign of an incredible potential. We must not confuse the over-emotionality shown by some HPI children with a possible calculating mind.
What interest does he find in deceiving his world?
“A child manipulates because he sees adults do it, because he believes that is what is expected of him. Because we invite him in this way“, explains Eve Piorowicz. In fact, children manipulate for the same reasons as adults, especially to avoid certain situations or to get what they want.. They are more manipulative in front of adults and their parents in particular who represent authority and who decide what is feasible or not.
Is it curable?
A manipulative child will not necessarily remain so as an adult. “In children, things can move very quickly ! Do not hesitate to consult a psychologist or psychoanalyst who will take care of the child and his family. The symptoms disappear when family harmony is (re)found!” advises Eve Piorowicz.