What parent has not felt a sense of fear and anger when talking about all these tragedies? Just a few months after the suicides of Lucas and Lindsay, Nicolas, a 15-year-old teenager, in turn killed himself on September 5 in Poissy, in Yvelines, after having suffered bullying from his classmates. Exchanges of letters, in which the Versailles rectorate deemed “unacceptable” comments from Nicolas’s parents who would have “questioned” the attitude of the establishment’s staff, have since been revealed by BFMTV. The tone of these letters, in which the family was also asked to adopt a “constructive and respectful attitude”, reminding them of the criminal risks of slanderous denunciation, relaunched the debate on the responsibility of the educational institution regularly accused of failures in the handling of harassment cases. Certainly, despite the deployment of the pHARe program and the announcement by the ministry of several new measures, a long way remains to be done. An interministerial plan, aimed at mobilizing all stakeholders, should be presented the week of September 25. Another aspect, so far little explored, attracts the attention of several specialists: the responsibility of the parents of child bullies who are indeed the first educators of their children.
It is impossible to sketch a composite portrait of the latter since to date there is no specific investigation on the subject. According to Angélique Gozlan, doctor in psychopathology and psychoanalysis, clinical studies have mainly looked at the profiles of student bullies who could be divided into two main categories: those who have themselves been victims in the past and who will take power by identifying with their attacker and reproducing what they experienced. “And then those – sometimes the same ones – who evolve in a conflicting family context, sometimes violent, failing or on whom few limits are imposed,” continues the researcher who nevertheless insists on the singularity of each story. “Let us also not lose sight of the fact that some parents, overwhelmed by everyday worries, professional problems, and who sometimes develop depressive disorders, undoubtedly have more difficulty listening to what their child is going through than others,” she says.
Another shortcut to avoid: it would be wrong to believe that this type of tragedy only affects the most isolated and struggling families. No social environment escapes this phenomenon, especially since the arrival of the Internet and the omnipresence of social networks. “Today we are facing a massive group movement and conformity of behavior. As a result, even a child who evolves in a caring universe, raised by parents who listen and are keen to transmit values of mutual aid and of empathy, can find themselves caught in a collective movement of harassment”, continues Angélique Gozlan. At an age when many young people are going through an identity crisis, being part of a group is often experienced as an absolute priority. “As a result, many force themselves to do things – like getting drunk, taking drugs, watching pornography or even harassing classmates – when they don’t want to. Just so as not to be pushed aside,” notes the psychologist Saverio Tomasella, author of Never harassed again: Put an end to mistreatment between adolescents (Vuibert, 2023).
Not really reassuring when an Opinion Way survey, carried out for the Mutuelle Assurance de l’Éducation (MAE) last June, revealed that 56% of parents questioned said they were very concerned about the risk of harassment and cyber-harassment. One in four fears that their child will become a bully. It remains to be seen at what point your child enters this box: if he floods his “comrades” with hostile messages on social networks, the observation is quite clear. On the other hand, what happens when he “just” acquiesces limply during an online conversation that turns into a cyber-attack or when he attends it as a simple witness? “Last year, my 13-year-old daughter showed me exchanges on her WhatsApp class group in which several students were attacking a classmate,” says Camille*’s mother. “I told her that she absolutely had to defend her friend but she replied that at that moment she herself would risk becoming a target. What to say to that… I stopped insisting” , sighs the mother.
“A feeling of shame”
The fear that one’s child will become a victim in turn muzzles speech and plunges many parents into the throes of guilt. Some, well aware of the potential consequences of their child’s actions but unable to counter them, will hesitate to ask for help, for fear of being judged. According to Olivier Andrieu-Gérard, head of media and digital uses at the National Union of Family Associations, it is very rare to hear the voices of parents of harassers in workshops. “Firstly because many participants do not even imagine that their child could be one of the harassers. And then those who are aware of it often feel a feeling of shame or have the impression that it is their duty to protect him by remaining silent”, says the specialist, saying that it is urgent to finally free up speech in order to allow better support. According to several school heads, certain parents, alerted to the actions of their son or daughter, tend to shut themselves into denial. “No doubt because in our parental unconscious, our child is perceived as an innocent being, incapable of harming others,” analyzes Saverio Tomasella.
The loss of trust between parents and the educational institution – sometimes rightly so, as the attitude of the Versailles rectorate has shown – does not help anything. Questioned as part of a study carried out in November 2021 by Georges Fotinos, former inspector general of National Education, 43% of management staff reported a deterioration in relationships (while they were only 12% to complain about it in 2004). “A child or adolescent who constantly hears his parents denigrate teachers will inevitably have difficulty respecting the rules of operation of the school system,” underlines Saverio Tomasella. For this specialist, certain children and adolescents can also be unconsciously influenced by speeches conveyed in the family sphere, particularly by fathers. “There may be this idea that a boy must be strong, virile and show no signs of weakness. A young boy raised with this idea will be tempted to attack classmates who do not correspond to the codes that we instilled in him.” Other adults may downplay some conflicts between students, believing that they are “unimportant childishness” or that what happens on social media is “not real life” and has little impact. “And then certain fundamental principles such as respect for others and their differences, empathy, solidarity are too often considered innate, whereas they must be learned from a very young age,” insists Angélique Gozlan.
On September 12, Gabriel Attal, Minister of National Education, declared that he was studying the implementation of “empathy courses” based on the model of what is done in certain Nordic countries such as Denmark. But it will take a long time before mentalities change. And since we must act quickly, other actors involved in the fight against school bullying are also focusing on the repressive aspect. The law of March 2, 2022, carried by Modem MP Erwan Balanant, marked a turning point by recognizing school bullying as a criminal offense that can be punished by three years of imprisonment and a fine of 45,000 euros. Penalties increased to ten years’ imprisonment and a fine of 150,000 euros when the facts led the victim to commit suicide or attempt to commit the act. “There is no question of sending children to prison. It is also not them who will have to pay the sums advanced but their parents,” lawyer Valérie Piau reminded L’Express last June. investigation can also be carried out to verify that there have been no educational deficiencies. In extreme cases, the judge can decide on placement in a home.
Finally, the role of every parent is to take an interest in the digital activity of their children. “Apart from certain rare cases of individuals who are resistant to smartphones, this is the case today, even more so in this post-confinement period,” explains Angélique Gozlan, who recalls the basics of education on the subject: set up parental controls, remind your son or daughter of the reasons why social networks are prohibited for those under 13, establish a climate of trust to get them to confide in case of doubts about this or that content, discuss their own practices with them in order to set an example. In short, take back your place as a parent… and don’t look away.
* The first name has been changed