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Wean ourselves off men, as we wean ourselves off alcohol or tobacco. This is the new mantra of women from generation Z who have decided to become “boy sober”, to put aside romantic relationships. No more dates, no more dating apps, no more casual affairs, at least for a while. The goal of this male detox? Find yourself, focus on your personal development and your mental health.
This “boy sober” movement was popularized on TikTok by Hope Woodward. This New York-based actress and comedian has decided to abstain from any romantic relationships with men in 2024.”My whole life I’ve said, ‘I’m single, I’m single, I’m single.’ No, I’ve never been single, I’ve always had a situation. You’re not single if someone’s taking up your brain space.” she says in a video posted on his TikTok. To achieve her goal, Hope Woodward established rules, including:no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no situationship and no hugs or kisses“.
The New Yorker is not an isolated case. On TikTok, several women, like her, testify to their desire to “boy sober”. According to them, this withdrawal would offer more freedom, would allow them to refocus on themselves, their fulfillment, their well-being. By removing sentimental complications from their daily lives, these women also hope to improve their mental health.
“Dating Fatigue”
This movement coincides with a notable decline in the use of dating applications. Match Group, owner of Tinder (world leader in dating app) recorded an 8% drop in its paying subscribers in 2023. This downward trend also affects its competitors like Bumble, Grindr or Hinge, reflecting growing weariness towards virtual meetings that are often superficial. The journalist Judith Duportail, author of the work “Dating Fatigue” (Ed. de l’Observatoire), critic in an interview for 20 minutes the automated path of online dating which, she says, “erase the ambivalence, finesse and ambiguity, which create the beauty of the encounter“.
This is exactly the criticism made by Stacy, 21, who decided to quit dating apps due to a lack of depth and authenticity. “There are only one-night stands. I don’t see my interest in them.“, she confides to ETX Majelan. But she did not wait for the Boy Sober to have the trigger. For two years, the young woman decided to abstain from relationships to concentrate on her personal development. “I want to find myself, love myself more, before committing to a romantic relationship“. Douceline, 21, ended a romantic relationship so she could take care of herself.”All my life I have taken care of others without thinking about myself. I owed myself this moment“, she tells ETX Majelan. “I go out when I want, I can travel with my friends, enjoy life to the fullest“, says Stacy. Young women say being single allows them to focus on their personal passions, their hobbies without the complications of a relationship.”Being in a relationship means having to think about each of your actions, and how they will be perceived by your partner. You need to think about everything you can and can’t do, what your actions can cause“, analyzes Douceline.
Natasha Silverman, relationship advisor at Relate contacted by Cosmopolitanrecognizes that relational exhaustion can be a sign that a break is necessary: ”Focus on what you love to do and the people who matter in your life“. According to her, people often resort to “to compulsive dating and sex, or to numb negative feelings or low self-esteem“. She points out that these trends are usually the sign “that it’s time to focus on yourself and how to take care of yourself“.
Double standards
The choice of relational abstinence is not, however, free from prejudice. Lyria, who has chosen to be celibate for a year to concentrate on her professional career, notices a negative view of celibacy among women. “When a woman is single, society often tries to guess at the reasons, suggesting that she has a mental problem or is unstable“, she confides to ETX Majelan.
Indeed, single women often face negative stereotypes. This is in any case what an American study published last year in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin on the stereotypes that weigh on single women and men.Single women are discriminated against more than single men., conclude the authors of this study. Although they are seen, by men and other women, as fun, social or fulfilled, single women are also seen as frigid, demanding, bitter and difficult.
According to Lyria, women’s celibacy should be normalized, not marginalized.We are not all these demeaning labels. Society forgets that we are whole beings“. Nevertheless, Stacy, Douceline and Lyria are not closed to the idea of being a couple one day. But that is not their top priority.
Slide: The benefits of being single