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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Every year, many babies are abandoned in silence in France. Children “born under But despite a happy ending, wounds remain. How to rebuild yourself when the beginnings were chaotic? How to grieve for your biological parents? Crossed stories of a child born under X, a psychologist and an association.
In France, around 700 children are born each year.under. A French specificity, which allows any mother to give birth anonymously and entrust her child to adoption services. Marion Jacquet, 36, is one of these children “without identity”. A vagueness about its origins, necessarily difficult? Yes, according to our expert psychologist, Amélie Boukhobza. But this can be softened from birth, believes Emeline, from the association A Bras Cadabrawhich works in favor of babies born in secret.
Growing up without knowing your history
It was in Reudon, in Brittany, that Amandine-Charlotte Claire (renamed Marion Jacquet by her parents) was born on September 8, 1987. A baby in great shape, measuring 46 cm tall.
But Marion’s biological mother cannot take care of her: after two days of living together, she decides to entrust her to adoption services. The little girl is transferred to the nursery in Champy (Brittany), where health professionals alternate to take care of her.
On Christmas Eve, December 24, 1987, Marion was adopted by a loving family.
An adoptionquite successful“according to the young woman, since there is”never had any secrets or things left unsaid around my birth, I have the feeling of having always known things”.
The only missing brick in this almost ideal picture? “It’s knowing my origins, knowing who I look like“, she proclaims.
A “blurred identity” that is often difficult to overcome, according to our expert, Amélie Boukhobza.
“All our lives we will try to know where we come from. If, sometimes, biological parents leave a file, a letter for the children, sometimes there is nothing, no information. In this case, it is even more complicated: we must build ourselves with this wound of abandonment. Find meaning in history, all alone. How can a mother abandon her child? We must repeat that this is not a problem of love, on the part of the biological mother, but rather a problem of “capacity”. This idea allows for reconstruction. Despite everything, support, therapy, personal or family, is often necessary“, underlines the specialist.
For her part, Emeline, founder of the A Bras Cadabra association, believes that the (potential) suffering of children born in secrecy differs depending on the story.
“It’s case by case. Some situations can be very difficult, others a little less. Whatever happens, these babies are never abandoned happily.“, she explains.
For Marion, however, her story has always “was very clear“. From the start, his adoptive parents surrounded him with affection, leaving little room for doubts and questions.
It is only during adolescence that the questions arise.
“When I entered middle school, some children, who knew my story, said that I was born in a trash can. The questions surrounding my abandonment then resurfaced. I was even convinced for a few years that I was the product of rape, without being able to explain why this idea crossed my mind. Subsequently, I suffered from quite strong abandonment syndrome, I had to feel very loved by my friends. I always gave them lots of gifts, I wanted to mean something to these people. At the same time, I asked my adoptive parents if I could go and consult my file, which I did. There was nothing at all, except my mother’s first name, which could have been wrong anyway according to social assistance. There was no identity verification at that time. Faced with this nothingness, the most disappointed was strangely my adoptive mother. Maybe she needed answers too.“, recognizes Marion.
Feeding on others to rebuild yourself
If the love of adoptive parents, brothers and sisters, or even friends allows you to nourish your ego and feel good about yourself, the road to reconstruction remains long and winding.
Marion thus acknowledges having experienced a “imbalance in romantic or friendly relationships“, where she accepted a lot of things, which were not always good for her.”Dand fear of being abandoned again“, she confides.
To remedy this, she reveals that she called on a therapist for around ten years.
“I (re)built myself thanks to the love and education of my adoptive parents, the friendship of my loved ones, but also thanks to these few years of therapy“, she confides.
Repair the past
Although no magic solution exists to answer the questions of children and adults born under X, love is often the answer.
“When babies arrive in the neonatal unit, they have nothing. We therefore offer them a birth gift to celebrate their arrival, leaving them a little something that will accompany them throughout their lives – like clothes, comforters and toys – a sort of essential kit. Failing to have memories with their parents, we allow them to have “material” traces of their first days of life. Because every baby deserves to be the center of attention and to be the center of care. They deserve to grow up well, to have their place in society“, testifies Emeline, founder of the association.
Parental love obviously plays a fundamental role in the development of the child.
“The everyday parents are the ones who are there, the ones who play their role. They are the titular figures of authority but also of love“, recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
For her part, Marion assures that she no longer thinks “or very rarely” to his biological parents.
“I no longer want to look for answers, or meet my biological parents, because I feel very balanced in my life. I looked in my file, there was nothing, and I told myself that I had to “make do with this nothing”. Ultimately, I think it moved me forward. Having my first child a year ago also calmed me down. I also became a childcare assistant; I worked in a nursery for four years. Even if I was very clear about my history and my profession, we build ourselves, I believe, by trying to repair somewhere“, concludes the young woman, not without emotion.