Communication, conflict resolution, rules… How to make sure that everything goes well in a blended family? Our advice, with the psychologist Béatrice Copper-Royer.
Embarking on the great adventure of the blended family is an important step for a couple. If this family configuration is more and more widespread, the parents do not always have the keys to know how to do so that everything goes well. Especially since the clichés about these families die hard: conflicts, disagreements… Obviously, this can be worrying! “Families are complicated, so there’s no reason it should be easier for a blended family. It’s even often more complex because we make children live together who sometimes have somewhat complicated stories, who come out of a family break-up and who don’t have the same education.explains Béatrice Copper-Royer, clinical psychologist specializing in childhood and adolescence, and author of And the blended family? Not easy, but possible! (Solar editions). But that does not mean that there are no solutions, on the contrary.
In books, films or series, blended families are represented in two ways: either everything is wonderful without even having to ask questions, or, more often, there are only repeated conflicts. The reality is much more ambivalent! This is why, even before forming a blended family, the parents must “discuss a lot” upstream, says our expert. They will have to agree on many points: what is the role of each, to what extent can they intervene in the education of the children of the other or if they do something stupid… “These are the aspects that are usually going to be problematic, so you have to address them first”, emphasizes Béatrice Copper-Royer. Then, it is recommended to discuss it with the children: “We have to flatten the rules to prevent them from falling in the response. It is something to be avoided at all costs so that life in the community does not become hellish and that it does not create conflicts between the parents. We can therefore state the rules clearly, and repeat them as much as necessary. And if you don’t have to love anyone, when you live under the same toIt, you have to respect yourself. This does not mean that the step-parent takes himself for the parent he is not.s“.
“Children should be told that there is no obligation to love, but an obligation to respect”
Parents should also reassure children: “They need to understand that parents support each other, but are also always there for them”. We can never tell a child enough that we love him, that we support him, and that we surround him, while remembering that it is the same thing towards his spouse. In summary, it is very important to “communicate beforehand so that it’s not too late”. By defining everyone’s field of action, things will be clear, both for children and for parents. To prepare the ground, the psychologist also suggests experimenting by going on vacation together. This will allow you to get an idea of the points to be covered before creating a new family configuration. “We mustn’t have any illusions, it’s not at all easy. But it’s possible if we get out of the myth of harmony and we know that we have to discuss it clearly because it goes there. have obstacless“.
What are the conflicts that come up most often in a blended family?
“You’re not my mother!” What mother-in-law hasn’t heard this sentence from the mouths of her new companion’s children? Admittedly abrupt, this truth is nevertheless undeniable. Because it is not for you to replace their biological mother, since they receive all the maternal love they need. Remember that for them, you have already taken their mother’s place with their father. So don’t try to play the second mother, and to love and educate them as if they were your own. Compose another role, very delicate and sometimes thankless, that of the mother-in-law: present and caring. Likewise, your companion cannot claim the status of adoptive father with your toddlers. |
Several types of conflicts often recur in a blended family. We often hear the famous “You’re not my mother/my father” vis-à-vis the step-parent or “You’re not my brother/sister” between children. Still on the side of the children, they may find it difficult to accept their new family configuration, especially if their other parent clearly expresses his opposition. “The harmony of the blended family also depends a lot on what the ex thinks of this family reconfiguration. His shadow weighs a lot. If the children feel that their other parent cannot stand their stepfather or stepmother and spends his time criticizing, accusing him of being at the origin of the separation, etc., it will be difficult for them to be calm. They will feel a conflict of loyalty “, explains Béatrice Copper-Royer. On the side of the parents too there can be discrepancies. “VSWhat often comes up is that the step-parent did not suspect how difficult it could be to live with children who are not yours, especially if he does not have a child himself. With young children, it’s usually easier. Si we are attentive their they will not be hostile because they only ask for affection and attentionbut teenagerss, it’s different. They advocate their autonomy, their freedom… When you come face to face with them, it’s not always easy and we sometimes underestimated the difficulty”, according to our expert. Another fairly common thing is when one of the two parents feels that the other is unfair to their own offspring: “The risk when everyone To children is that everyone protects their brood and that creates tensions. We tend to be more lenient with our own children. And it’s not that easy to put up with other people’s children!”. Finally, come the differences in views on education: “It’s often the little things, like how to behave at the table, academic rigor, the way we talk to adults… There are sometimes discrepancies that will create tension”.
When a conflict arises in a blended family, the first thing to do is, once again, to communicate. This is the secret of harmony for our expert: “We have to talk about it, put things straight and not wait for resentments to accumulate. We can also take the time to take stock from time to time. It is also better to avoid the primary and frequent reaction of “everyone protects his child “. A cleavage is created and it will be difficult to overcome”. When children are involved, Béatrice Copper-Royer recommends involving them in resolving the difficulty. “With the children a little bigswe can hold family meetings where everyone can say what is going well, what is not going well”she explains. Finally, the parent can also take the time to discuss and spend a privileged moment with their child. : “They like to have time alone with the parent, without the spouse and the other children”. This allows discussion and reassurance.
Share all together In “blended family”, there is “family”. And a family is above all a common history, habits, memories, pleasant moments… Share leisure, organize outings to the cinema all together, family picnics. Establish rituals, like the Sunday afternoon DVD or fries for lunch every Saturday. This is a good way to forge links between children and adults, to create a real family spirit. |
What are the advantages and disadvantages of a blended family?
Benefits
Of course there are advantages to be gained from a blended family, even if these are often forgotten! As our psychologist reminds us, “vsit develops the ability to adapt because we are confronted with other personalities, other habits, sometimes another culture. His members have access to another extended family, so that opens them up to other worlds. This expandedyou the affective universe children. They can be very happy provided that the parents have prepared the thing well and do not want to go too fast. You have to respect the rhythm of the child and not expect everyone to get along well and everything to work out in the snap of a finger.s“.
Disadvantages
Among the disadvantages of the blended family, we can obviously speak of the Conflicts. According to the case, the organization can also be difficult: if the parents do not have their children all the time, it is necessary to remember who is there when, and this can complicate departures on family holidays. In this case, children may also find it difficult to bond with each other.