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Your other half has just dumped you and you feel dispossessed? Be careful not to get lost in this flood of emotions. An expert advises you on how to stay the course – and your head held high – during this sensitive period.
When the other ends the relationship; the feelings mix: sadness, anger, lack, hatred, despair… and leave room for many questions. However, two common feelings – loss and mourning – should not be confused, warns an expert.
Differentiate between loss and mourning
“In a breakup, sometimes we really feel like we’re not going to get through it. That we cannot live without each other, that we are going to die“, assures Lisa Letessier, cognitive-behavioral psychologist, in an article published on Psychologies.
And for good reason: when the other leaves us, our world and our points of reference collapse. A real suffering which should not be put aside but which should not be assimilated with other feelings. This mourning should be distinguished from lack, assures the specialist.
“Just because you miss someone after breakup, this is not a sign that you should return to this relationship, recalls Julie Smith, psychologist, in a video on Instagram. This is a sign that you are grieving and it is totally normal..”
The psychologiste thus invites people “mourned” by the departure of others to accept this loss… and above all not to run after them for the wrong reasons.
“A separation triggers the same psychological processes as a death. There is real mourning to be done, but of someone who is still there and who refuses us his presence, his love, his support. It’s extremely painful“, confirms Lisa Letessier.
Questions to ask yourself
Faced with this emotional vagueness, several questions (to ask yourself) allow you to see things more clearly:
- Is it the person themselves that I miss? Or is it saying goodbye to the relationship/the idea of a couple?
- Was the relationship as good as I really thought?
For Lisa Letessier, it is indeed essential to deconstruct the “fantasy idea” that we have of the couple.
“The couple represents an illusion of permanence. We build ourselves like a little bubble, with benchmarks that we think are stable, projections into the future. When all of a sudden all this ends, it’s as if life stops,” she recalls. “Our world, our balance, our dreams collapse. It’s a huge upheaval of psychic reference points.”
All the more reason to take the time, take a deep breath, and think (finally?) a little about yourself.
Slide: 20 Quotes to Get Over a Breakup