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Is your former partner trying to come back into your life after he or she had previously neglected you? You may be a victim of the “vacuum cleaner attack”. This ploy is often used by narcissistic people to “suck” you back into their lives, without changing their often toxic behavior that led to your separation.
Do you know the “vacuum cleaner blow”, or hoovering in English? No, this is not a new cleaning method, but an emotional manipulation technique most often used in romantic relationships. The term refers to the behavior of a person who attempts to “re-suck,” or bring back into their life a former partner whom they had previously neglected, ignored, or even mistreated. These “hooverers”, those who “suck up”, very often have a narcissistic personality and are masters of emotional manipulation.
After a period of separation, or an argument, the “hooverer” attempts to return to the life of his or her former partner with gestures of attention, apologies, gifts and promises of change. Thus, they wish to play on the feelings of the other by arousing compassion and guilt. This then creates an illusion of change and reconciliation. As a last resort, they adopt a desperate attitude, claiming that they cannot live without the other or that they are going through a major crisis. But once forgiven, the narcissistic person resumes their toxic behaviors. Thus, the “victim” finds himself “sucked” into this toxic dynamic, and has the impression of being unable to escape.
People using this toxic tactic may have other personality disorders than that of the narcissistic pervert. “Hoovering is a tactic used by people with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, or histrionic personality disorder. This tactic is usually abusive in nature and used in an attempt to gain attention from their victim. If an unsuspecting person does not see their partner’s motivations, they may be deceived by their words or promises.“, explains to Mind Body Green therapist Shannon Thomas.
“Hoovering” is an insidious manipulation technique that can have devastating effects on victims. It can lead to confusion, isolation, emotional exhaustion, lower self-esteem, psychological distress, and even depression. In order to protect yourself from this abusive cycle, it is necessary to cut ties as soon as possible. But it’s not an easy thing.
It’s always difficult to let someone you love go. But you must remember that it is not your role to fix everything, as Taylor Williams, clinical social worker specializing in domestic violence and sexual assault, points out in the columns of Well+Good. She explains : “Often, people in abusive relationships feel obligated to care for their partner, and the abuser manipulates these feelings“. To reduce your guilt, the specialist suggests reminding yourself that you are only responsible for yourself. In order to successfully abandon this type of relationship, it is recommended to consult a psychologist, and to confide in your loved ones. This will not only allow you to better protect yourself, but also to take care of yourself.
Slide: Narcissistic pervert: 10 signs that should alert you