Benevolent education: what are the limits of positive education?

In recent years, thebenevolent education, also called positive education, is talked about a lot, for good or bad, with parents or childhood professionals. For or against these principles based on listening to the needs of the child? What are the limitations and criticisms raised? We take stock with Stephan Valentin, doctor in psychology and specialist in early childhood.

What is caring education?

Benevolent education is a mode of education based on empathy and respect for the child, centered on the attitude of the parent towards the child. This way of educating is opposed to all forms of violence and is based on simple principles such as “preserve the integrity of the child and consider him as a full human being, so that he exists as he is, give him the right to feel emotions and express them as he sees fit“, explains Stephan Valentin. He adds that the parent must “take into account the needs of the child as we take into account those of all family members“.

Applying the principles of caring education at home is done in setting rules in the presence of the child or with his helpto establish a relationship of trust. This one will thus feel implied in the family life or to ask him if he himself has rules to propose. “For example, we can organize a family council during which we expose the limits that are important for a harmonious family life.“, advises the specialist.

Another great principle of benevolent parenting is to distinguish the child from his actions. Concretely, it is not the child who is bad, but what he has done. Thus, the child feels he has done wrong and he will try to make up for it to meet his parents’ expectations. The parent, on the other hand, encourages his child to reflect on his behavior.

Moreover, benevolent education does not avoid conflicts between parents and children. However, instead of immediately punishing the child without explaining to him why he is being punished, benevolent education encourages the search for a solution that satisfies the child and the parent. “As a parent, we listen to our child and we build a relationship of trust with him to help him overcome his own limits instead of systematically imposing on it“, says Stephan Valentin.

“The parent listens to his child and builds a relationship of trust with him to help him go beyond his own limits.”

In this mode of education, we do not speak no rewards or punishments. “If the child does not behave correctly, the parent explains to him why his attitude was not good and what this behavior causes as a disturbance. Subsequently, the child can choose to stop his behavior or he tries to find a compromise with the parent.“.

Similarly, positive behavior should not result in a reward. The parent explains in a natural way how he appreciates the behavior and how he feels. The parent can thank the child for his behavior and the fun will be shared on both sides.

What are the limits of benevolent education?

Some child specialists point the finger at the limits to benevolent education, whose principles give rise to much debate. On the parents’ side, the opinions are also varied and different from one family to another. Some parents find it too permissive, while others have adopted it on a daily basis.

Dr. Caroline Goldman’s opinion on benevolent education

In his podcast “Critique of positive education”Caroline Goldman, doctor in child psychology, established 5 limits of benevolent education (also published in the review Le Carnet Psy n°256):

• “Mixing the need for love and the need for educational boundaries (i.e. learning from frustration)”
• “The denial of aggressiveness. Positive education considers that limits will integrate themselves, by dint of love.”
• “The negation of the difference between generations. For Daniel Coum, head of department, ‘the fact of making the child a partner in his own education’ is an invisible violence caused by positive education.”
• “The limits of the concrete application of this ideology. It condemns any form of parental repression by stating all that should not be done.”
• “Benevolent education is a market based on the guilt-inducing and crude instrumentalization of neuroscientific data. Guilt is the engine of this business.”

What are the books on positive education?

Numerous positive parenting books can now be found on the shelves of bookstores. Here is a selection of works written by professionals on this mode of education.

• positive discipline, by Jane Nelson and Béatrice Sabaté (Marabout editions).
• Raising your child differentlyby Catherine Dumonteil-Kremer (La Plage Publisher).
• The 50 golden rules of positive educationby Bénédicte Péribère and Solenne Roland-Riché (Larousse editions).
• Happy Parents, Happy Children: A Guide to a Happier Familyby Adèle Faber and Elaine Mazlish (J’ai Lu editions).
• I have tried everything !, by Isabelle Filliozat (JC Lattès editions).
• Caring parents, enlightened children: the 10 keys to effective education, by Laurence Dudek (First editions).
• positive education, by Eve Aboucaya (Marabout editions).