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Our innermost thoughts are not only a way of interacting with ourselves, they are also the way in which we interact with others. This is why an American psychologist warns against negative self-talk because it can sabotage your relationship.
When you think – and think more particularly about your relationship – you have to be wary of the inner speech you may have. Indeed, according to the American psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, who speaks in an article for Psychology Today, “Self-talk (or inner speech) shapes the way we interact with others.” Phrases that we say mentally and which end up having a toxic impact on our relationship. Here are which ones in particular.
“I shouldn’t have to say it.”
If you say to yourself: “I shouldn’t have to tell [prénom de votre partenaire] what I need; he should just know”in reality, you are contributing to increasing your feeling of frustration. “Expecting a partner to intuitively understand what we want or need without verbalizing it creates a breeding ground for resentment” warns the expert. Instead of believing this, the psychologist recommends approaching communication in the couple as a way to connect instead of using it to criticize.
“It always happens”
After an argument with your partner, during which you did not feel listened to, your little inner voice whispers to you “It always happens. She never listens to me.” Be careful of this type of thinking. According to the expert, the word “always” shows that you are trapped in an “all or nothing” system of thinking.
And “Labeling problems as ongoing or permanent can make them seem insurmountable. When we overdo it with words like “always” or “never,” we close the door to solving our problems.” he warns. Try opting for phrases like “I don’t feel heard right now…” to open a constructive dialogue with your partner.
“If only he looked more like…”
Comparing your partner to an idealized version of someone else – whether it’s a friend’s partner, a movie character, or even an ex – can be incredibly destructive. “When you think this, you not only create an unrealistic standard, but you also erode his appreciation for the qualities that made you fall in love with him.” analyzes the psychologist. “Comparisons diminish your partner’s unique strengths, leading to dissatisfaction”. Instead, focus on what you appreciate about your significant other and be grateful for that. It is this attitude that will enhance your relationship.
“I don’t deserve better”
“I don’t deserve better; no one else would want me“: This phrase is typically thought of by people who practice self-sabotage.”This kind of speech damages theself-esteem. Staying in an unhappy or even toxic relationship prevents personal growth and the development of healthy relationships.says the expert. Jeffrey Bernstein advises challenging these beliefs by building a stronger relationship with yourself. “Practice self-compassion by talking to yourself as you would a friend. When negative self-talk arises, counter it with evidence of your worth.” he concludes.
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship