Many parents have to shout to be heard… However, severity and punishments are not always effective depending on the situation. So how do you deal with recalcitrant children? Advice from Dr Gisèle George and child psychiatrist Stephan Valentin.
Opposition is part of the normal development of every child. He will constantly, at any age, test your limits and push you to your limits. “The child also learns from the “no” of his father or his mother. Thus, he will gradually ratify these decisions which guarantee his well-being and safety. Faced with the ban, the child will oppose, negotiate, but will end up appropriating the law enacted by his parents..” explains Dr. Gisèle George*, in his book “I’m tired of screaming!”, published by Eyrolles. For this, it will be useful to repeat these same rules several times so that the child really absorbs it. Likewise, it is important not to give in while remaining attentive. However, it is not always easy for parents to be heard without losing patience. The discussion often turns into cries and punishments, at the risk of breaking communication. And this is of course not the desired objective.
In general, it is important to set limits for them. Do not feel guilty when you sanction, because these rules are essential for the future life: “Part of the work of parents consists precisely in having their child integrate, gently if possible, the principle of reality: he won’t be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. In order to satisfy his immediate pleasure, the child constantly seeks to go beyond the limits, the framework. The parent brings him, gradually to autonomy, while guaranteeing his well-being and tolerance to the frustration implied by the reality of life.” explains the child psychiatrist. Does your child do as he pleases? Here are some tips that could help you gain respect, with serenity and kindness.
“The child constantly seeks to go beyond the limits, the frame”.
1 – Know how to decode your cries
If your child persists in disobeying you, it may be that he is sending you a hidden message: “if a behavior persists despite your explanations, it is because you have not found what the young person is trying to obtain and the benefit of which is often stronger in his eyes than all your reprimands” indicates Dr. Gisèle George. Thus, if your youngest attracts your attention for long minutes to the detriment of his brothers and sisters, it is surely because he is trying to obtain a special place among the siblings. It is therefore essential to take the time to discuss with him in order to understand what is tormenting him.
2 – Attentive listening
When talking to your child, remember that face-to-face is important: it is in the eyes of the parent that the child understands the emotion. Make sure he is listening attentively: stand in front of him within his gaze, have him interrupt his activity and observe his signs of understanding your instructions.
3- Short sentences, clear rules
Confusing, incoherent, contradictory messages… The anger expressed by the parents is not always understanding for the children. For him to understand precisely the rule you have just set, your sentence must be short, imperative and with a clear voice, but always with calm. Use language appropriate to the age of the child and avoid the conditional, which opens a breach in dispute. Finally, in terms of safety, prohibitions are indisputable!
4 – Value your child
“Valuing and encouraging your child when he behaves well will help him to better accept frustration, to postpone his desires, and will encourage him to explore new territories”, specifies Dr. Gisèle George.
5 – Ask him to fix his mistakes rather than punish
It is always best to avoid sanctions or punishments that are not conducive to learning. If your child does not obey you, it is advisable to explain to him, several times if necessary, why his behavior is not adapted, but also the reason for your refusal. If possible, offer to make up for what he did, and apologize if he hurt his little brother or sister…
7 – What if my child only listens to the dad?
“Don’t put yourself down and be positive! Your authority lies dormant within you. We just need to wake her up!” advises Stephan Valentin, psychologist. “Talk to your partner about your difficulties, to reflect together on the solutions that will allow you to face your children when they no longer want to obey you. You can also discuss their behavior with them, stating the new rules at home. Finally, show your children that you are a tight-knit team. Support yourself when your children test you”.
8 – My child does not care about punishments, how should I react?
Some children absolutely need to understand why they are not allowed to do certain things. A simple NO is not enough for them. So the parents should try to tell her why, for example, she is not allowed to help herself. It is also possible that the child tries to challenge parental authority to assert his own and to impose his will. The opposition phase can last until the end of the 3rd year. His behavior would therefore signal that he is still trying to have the last word. In this case, it is necessary to remain firm without however being rigid.
9 – We propose another activity
You want your child to drop his video game console, but he does as he pleases? Rather than suddenly turning off his console, suggest that he finish his game quietly, then invite him to participate in a calmer activity or an outing in the forest, just to create a diversion without getting upset.