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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Imported from the United States, the trend of marriage proposals in public (and live) generates romantic videos which have their small success. But is speaking out in front of witnesses a considerate gesture? Or does this reflect a means of exerting pressure? We asked our psychologist the question.
In a stadium, a concert, or in front of a monument, filmed or even live (with comments and little hearts), more and more daring men dare to get down on one knee in front of witnesses to propose to their partner in marriage . A gesture worthy of romantic films meant to cause butterflies in the stomach. But is it so “pure” and cute?
Pressure that can distort consent
In most cases, we can imagine that the young woman expected it, even hoped for it (and will take a ring selfie right after). But proposing in public is not as trivial as that.
As explained by Florence Caillochon, research director at the CNRS specializing in the study of interpersonal relationships and author of The passion of marriage on TF1 “In front of a crowd or relatives waiting for a response, often with smartphones to immortalize the scene, it is difficult to refuse a marriage proposal. The fear of publicly humiliating one’s partner, who has carefully scripted the surprise, encourages one to respond in the affirmative.”
In this context, where is the place of free choice? “Although it may seem romantic and bold, public marriage proposals aren’t always the best idea. This can put significant pressure and be very embarrassing, especially if one is not entirely sure of their answer. This situation can potentially distort the consent“, confirms our psychologist Anémie Boukhobza.
Especially since the question calls for a chosen and desired answer, that of a lifelong commitment… which must not be taken under pressure.
A public refusal which would damage the couple
The other risk is of course exposing oneself to refusal, or hesitation, far from the young woman who throws herself, overjoyed, into the arms of her future husband.
“If the answer is negative, the person making the request may feel deeply humiliated and rejected in front of an audience. A poorly received request, due to the context, can also generate tensions within the couple“, develops our expert.
We then witness separations which had no reason to occur without the surprise request. Which can also push the young woman to accept… against her will.
The request, a still traditional role in marriage
However, can we blame everything on these men who think they are chivalrous? We know that even in 2024, couples remain attached to a certain tradition. It is still up to man, in most cases, to address the issue. According to a survey carried out by IFOP in 2019, 57% of French people believe that the choice to get married must come from a common decision, but 40% believe that it is still up to the man to take the lead and surprise his partner . Only 3% think that the woman can also make the request.
But asking for a hand, in tradition, does not mean forcing your hand. If you really want to know what your partner thinks”it is perhaps preferable to favor an intimate moment, which belongs only to the couple” advises our psychologist. The “yes” will only have more value.
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