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At the slightest thought, do you raise your voice and accuse the other? This hostile attitude could be a reflection of an underlying problem. Explanations.
“You’re the problem”, “Why are you accusing me?”, “It’s not my fault”…. Many ready-made answers reflect a defensive attitude. However, this “self-protective” behavior – a sort of natural response in anticipation of danger – is not always harmless.
This behavior stems directly from our previous experiences. When we have forged a set of values based on beliefs such as our own vulnerability or the malevolence of others, we are always ready to defend ourselves, believes Dominique Picard, psychosociologist.
“L“People who react in a reactive and defensive manner are often hiding layers of untreated pain.”confirms Bobbi Banks, psychotherapist, in a publication Instagram. “It is simply a shield against the world and the need to face what is really going on inside..”
Recognize your behavior
Although it is difficult to recognize this “defensive” behavior – or even to accept it – working on this character trait is nevertheless essential.
“Being defensive means reacting with an overprotective mentality to a situation that may not warrant it, says marriage therapist Linda Carroll. MindBodyGreen. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields raised and weapons drawn.”
How then can we recognize this “shield” in everyday life? It is usually during an argument or tension with another that it becomes more visible.
To see more clearly, Elizabeth Earnshaw, couples therapist, listed several examples of “defensive responses” in the columns of the magazine MGBrelationships :
- An excessive explanation: “I should have done the dishes, but when I tried to do them, there wasn’t enough detergent…“.
- Pretending to be the victim: “You’re still so mean to me!“
- Pass the buck: “I only did this because you did….”
- Counter-argue with criticism: “I’ll start doing the dishes when you start putting your shirts better.”
- Minimize: “You’re joking, I hope? It is nothing serious.”
- Divert the conversation: “We can’t talk about it, because I feel bad“
- Use the word “but”: “I hear what you’re saying, but…“.
Good in his body, good in his head!
A harmful attitude in marital relationships
Unsurprisingly, consciously or unconsciously adopting a defensive attitude on a daily basis can significantly damage your relationship.
John Gottman, psychologist, states that this behavior is one of the four harmful communication habits “linked to increased likelihood of divorce“.
“Trying to explain why our point of view is correct and why that of the other is not is one of the most unhealthy communication dynamics (…)“, he concludes.
The best way, ultimately, to remedy this? Change their state of mind by revaluing their partner and (finally) validating their point of view.