A psychologist’s advice on how to differentiate between rules and threats in raising children

Very popular in the United States and on Instagram, psychologist Becky Kennedy sheds light on the difference between rules and threats. Under the weight of the mental load, it is very common for parents to use threats or blackmail in order to enforce the rules. However, this behavior can be counterproductive according to the psychologist.

A question of control

In a post titled “The Difference Between a Rule and a Threat,” psychologist Becky Kennedy gives the following example: “Let’s say your child is constantly jumping on the couch by the glass table and doesn’t listen when you ask him to get off. Here’s what a threat would sound like: “You have to get off the couch and if you don’t get off the couch right now, no dessert tonight.”. A form of threat which in reality resembles a punishment according to the expert. “By reacting in this way, we see our child as an enemy when it’s all about control,” she assures.

Threat characteristics:

• Fear-based: They use fear to make the child obey;
• Conditional: they are often conditioned by specific behavior of the child;
• Negative: They emphasize what will be taken away or an unpleasant consequence;
• Immediate but superficial: They can achieve rapid results but do not promote a deep understanding of desired behaviors.

Setting a limit

The psychologist then wants to redefine the meaning of the word “limit”, which is very different from the word “threat”.So here’s what a boundary looks like: “You seem to be having trouble listening. I’m going to come over and if you’re not off the couch by then, I’m going to pick you up and put you on the floor, honey. It’s too dangerous to jump so close to the glass table.” A healthier way to express authority according to the psychologist.Where a threat leaves a parent frustrated, a limit allows a parent to feel empowered, the expert explains. That’s a big difference. A limit represents the embodiment of authority. Your intention is to protect your child, who, I remind you, is part of the same team as you,” concludes the specialist.

Limit characteristics:

• Based on Respect: they respect the child as an individual while teaching values ​​and behaviors.
• Unconditional: They are not linked to a threat of punishment but are established as rules of conduct.
• Positive and constructive: they emphasize what is expected and the reasons behind these expectations.
• Sustainable and educational: they promote long-term understanding and help develop self-discipline and autonomy.

Becky Kennedy encourages parents to prioritize limits over threats. She emphasizes the importance of establishing clear and consistent rules, explained with empathy and respect. Children learn best in an environment where they feel safe and respected, and where expectations are clear and consistent.

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