A clumsy word, a disproportionate reaction, inappropriate behavior… We have all made mistakes for which an apology was necessary. Far from being a simple formality, knowing how to admit your wrongs is an essential skill for maintaining harmonious relationships. As clinical psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou points out, refusing to apologize can be seen as a lack of validation: “This amounts to denying the emotions of the person opposite. It is a form of disrespect, or even devaluation.” Despite this risk of weakening emotional ties, some people still struggle to offer a sincere apology.
Apologizing involves admitting your mistakes. However, this questioning exercise is not easy for everyone. “Egocentric people have more difficulty analyzing the impact of their actions. I am thinking in particular of narcissistic profiles, who will be less sensitive to the reactions and emotions of others” explains Aline Nativel Id Hammou. In addition to the lack of perspective and empathy, the fear of failure also impacts the ability to apologize. For proud or perfectionist characters, for example, admitting one’s wrongs can be experienced as an admission of weakness. Demanding of themselves, these personalities deny themselves the right to make mistakes and feel threatened when they are found wanting. “They can experience it as a threat to the ego” confirms Isabelle Soucy, doctor in psychology. “These people have difficulty accepting the imperfect dimension of their humanity.”
When apologizing makes you vulnerable…
Unlike overconfidence, low self-esteem can explain why some individuals have difficulty asking for forgiveness. This is particularly the case for those living with the wound of rejection or abandonment, who fear losing the affection of their loved ones. “Apologizing is exposing yourself to judgment. This confrontation is difficult when you are afraid of disappointing or diminishing in the eyes of others” confirms Isabelle Soucy. The clinical psychologist makes the link with the imperfection/shame schema developed by Jeffrey Young, which results in particular in an increased sensitivity to criticism and the feeling of not being good enough. Deeply doubting their worth, people suffering from this pattern may adopt overcompensatory behaviors. “They display a facade of control, sometimes even an air of superiority, to camouflage their vulnerability and the doubt that inhabits them.” Therefore, apologizing amounts to lifting the veil on their supposed inadequacies.
Beyond the psychological profile, education and family environment play a major role in the ability to apologize. Like any relational skill, it is not innate and is acquired over time, under the influence of parental models. Unfortunately, these are not always good benchmarks. For fear of revealing their flaws and losing their authority, some parents never apologize to their children. For Aline Nativel Id Hammou, in addition to setting a bad example, this attitude creates an erroneous frame of reference: “We grow up with the idea that an adult must know everything, be irreproachable.” The error, and therefore the excuses, then become failures to meet these expectations.
Isabelle Soucy, for her part, warns against too strict an education: “People who have been severely punished in the past may develop a phobia of failure, making them unable to admit their faults.” Conversely, overvaluing your child and always defending him is just as harmful, because it relieves him of responsibility for his behavior. For the psychologist, making mistakes should serve as a learning opportunity. For children and adults alike, she recommends cultivating self-compassion: “Mistakes are inevitable, even when you have good intentions. You have to be tolerant with yourself, that’s the key to successfully apologizing.”