There are words that feel good while others should be avoided.
Confusing and overwhelming, death sometimes leaves us speechless or on the path to astonishment. Society does not educate us about death and sometimes we do not know how to react. The urge to comfort someone who has lost a loved one can be paralyzing. Words are difficult to find or awkward. “Knowing what to say is difficult, since ideal words do not existreassures Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist. Besides, sometimes it is better to remain silent than to say sentences that are unsuitable for the situation.” Certain clumsy sentences, even under the guise of kindness, should be avoided, such as: “At least he is no longer suffering”; “Courage, you will survive the shock”; “It’ll be okay, don’t worry”; “He’s better off where he is”; “Time heals wounds.”
Staying silent is also not the best solution to comfort the bereaved person. So, how can we console the inconsolable? The psychologist’s answer to this question is very clear: “Being silent does not mean being inactive. At the very least, you can act by offering your presence and attentive listening to the bereaved person.” Rather than speaking, his number 1 advice is to offer a safe space for others so that they can express their emotions without any judgment. A silent presence is sometimes better than uncomforting phrases.
You can just as easily say banal phrases, but which do good, which offer lightness. Here are some comforting words to say to someone who has just lost a loved one to show them your support, empathy and concern: “I am here for you”; “Let’s go out for a walk”; “I’m thinking of you” ; “If you need me, ask me”; “It’s difficult”; “You can express your sorrow and pain”; “Call me if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”
Recognizing the void left by your loved one by giving them our presence or giving time to others is beneficial. Evoking happy memories of the deceased together while they are alive also helps with the work of mourning. “You can tell anecdotes, share your memories of the deceased person in order to pay tribute to them and celebrate their life rather than mourn their death.” Grieving requires several stages and everyone experiences it as best they can. “Some need solitude, others need company. We must respect everyone’s psychological temporality, not rush anything” advises the psychologist.
Finally, comfort comes a lot through actions. “Running an errand for the bereaved person, preparing a home-cooked meal for them, helping them with an administrative task are all small actions that comfort others in the painful moments they are going through.” concludes Amélie Boukhobza.
Thanks to Madame Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.