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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
On the web, an article evoking the “disappointment” of certain parents in the face of the lack of desire for children of their descendants has gone viral. A justified disillusionment? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, answers us.
This week, a article which addresses the disillusionment of certain parents with the choice of their children has caused a lot of ink to be spilled. Deciphering a divisive phenomenon.
The non-desire for children, a choice that divides
Taking your grandchildren to the park, playing in the sandbox, baking cakes with them… All these little everyday pleasures, some American baby boomers will not experience them. At least that’s what an article in the New York Timeswhich explores the lack of desire for children among some twenty- and thirty-somethings.
However, faced with these “aborted” joys of potential grandparenthood, “those who already dreamed of being grandparents can experience a deep feeling of […] loss when their children choose not to be parents”details the HuffPostwho quotes Claire Bidwell Smith, therapist specializing in grief.
A “disappointment” baby boomers which is the subject of debate, despite the well-rehearsed argument of thirty-year-olds not wishing to give birth.
Indeed, the reasons for not having children are multiple… and often justified, underlines the report of the Pew Research Center : young people are worried about “high cost of raising children“, of “climate change” or even “the current state of the world“.
Another argument that pushes young people in their twenties and thirties not to have babies: the impact of childcare costs (constantly increasing in the United States) on their overall budget. In France, you also need to count between 600 and 900 euros per month per child (for full time, 5 days a week, in a nursery or with a childminder).
To this we must add the “housing crisis“and real estate prices”having far outpaced wage growth in recent decades“, reports the Huff Post. Enough to tip the scales to the (bad) side?
Faced with “disappointed” grandparents, Internet users are outraged
The “mourning” of baby boomers in the face of their imagined grandchildren has caused widespread buzz on the Web.
Several Internet users are indeed annoyed by the complaints of baby boomers, “sitting in their four-bedroom suburban home, already paid for, while their children are drowning in debt and the skyrocketing cost of living,” wrote Sarah York on X.
Another Internet user, known under the pseudonym @sam_0426, shares this opinion: “Baby boomers have gotten everything they wanted their whole lives, the path has been easy and clear and, for once in their lives, they are finally being told no and they can’t take it.”
But do fallen parents really deserve to be sent packing? Is being a grandparent a right or a wish? Here is the answer from our expert psychologist.
“The desire or non-desire to have a child is a choice that belongs to each person”
Amélie Boukhobza confirms it: having children or not is a delicate question, “almost taboo“, which can raise strong emotions: “disappointment, incomprehension, and perhaps even a feeling of betrayal“.
“Indeed, many parents unconsciously project themselves into the future lives of their children, imagining a traditional plan: career, marriage, then children. So, when this plan is derailed, the disillusionment can be profound. When our expectations clash with their choices, we can see a problem“, she emphasizes.
But do we really have the legitimacy to intervene in this very intimate decision after all?
The answer is both simple and complex: “No, we don’t have a say, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to keep quiet about your desires. The desire or no desire for children is a choice that belongs to each person, influenced by reasons well beyond what parents can understand: the fear of reproducing certain models, financial constraints, current society or simply a way of life that does not suit does not agree with the idea of parenthood”, further details the expert.
However, expressing a desire to become a grandparent is not problematic in itself.
“What is is putting pressure or guilt into it. When parents’ desire for grandchildren exceeds their ability to respect their children’s choices, it can create tensions and even relationship breakdowns. In these moments, the right question to ask ourselves is: what does this desire say about us? And above all, how can we find ways to appease it without projecting it onto others?“, continues Amélie Boukhobza.
Our expert concludes: “Allowing your children this space in their journey, in their life, even if it differs from our expectations, is a much more powerful act of love than trying to impose a vision at all costs. We can certainly feel sadness, but this feeling should never take precedence over the confidence we place in their definition of happiness..
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