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updated on
Reading 2 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
The ultimatum can be a recourse that you or your partner use when you are desperate. However, this can harm communication and security within the couple. An update on the consequences and solutions with Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
“If you don’t do this, we’ll stop”, “If you continue, it’s over”… You’ve probably already said or heard these phrases, maybe you’ve even pronounced them… Sometimes, The ultimatum becomes the last way to make yourself heard. It can be a good thing when it comes to the well-being and health of our partner, in the event of concerns related to addiction for example. But most of the time, the ultimatum is above all a sign of a lack of communication between the couple. “Behind an ultimatum, there is often fear, an unexpressed need or overflowing frustration and a lot of things left unsaid.”, assures our expert, Amélie Boukhobza.
The ultimatum, the antithesis of a real dialogue
Perceived as a solution, the ultimatum most often has the effect of alienating your partner. The urgency of the choice and the pressure imposed do not leave room for a thoughtful, calm decision that can satisfy both partners. Communication is impossible: room for decision, with no possibility of negotiation!
This can create guilt and resentment in your partner, which is likely to make the situation worse by cutting off any possibility of understanding. For our expert: “Using ultimatums is never the right strategy: you force the other to choose under pressure, at the risk of cracking the relationship.”.
“By imposing drastic choices, we establish a toxic dynamic of power, rather than dialogue. And the problem is that this method not only does not resolve conflicts or tensions, but on the contrary will amplify them by generating instability.
The strength of a couple is to talk to each other, not to threaten each other
Issuing an ultimatum is never trivial; it reflects exhaustion and sometimes even despair. It is necessary to know why it happens at this time. You can isolate yourself to take the time to understand your emotions and how you could approach them with your partner.
This allows you to take a step back from what you are feeling and thus start a dialogue in a more healthy, thoughtful and calm way. The important thing is to understand and validate your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t share them. He/She should not feel judged. A study published in 2020 in Emotion has shown that a person who feels listened to and understood is more likely to confide naturally and openly in their partner.
A safe and secure climate is essential for good communication within the couple, in order to be able to talk about everything without judgment and without apprehension. Therefore, the ultimatum cannot be the last solution to save your relationship.
“To get through this, my advice is simple: you have to go back to basics and ask yourself the right questions. Why did we feel the need to get to this point? Are we trying to to be heard, to regain control, to have control or to test the limits of the other? Because in the long term, the real strength of the couple is to be able to talk to each other, not to threaten each other? ” concludes our expert.
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