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The people we love the most (and who we see the most too) are sometimes the ones with whom our emotions are most on edge. To avoid overreacting and damaging our relationship, a psychologist provides three valuable tips.
Have you noticed how emotions can be more intense in the presence of your other half? Like children who let themselves be more overwhelmed in the presence of their parents (with whom they feel safe), we often tend to overreact when a remark is made within the couple. Unfortunately, these excessive reactions, while common, can also aggravate small disagreements, or even damage the couple over time. “Outbursts can make us feel out of control, prevent us from seeing the bigger picture, and put us in fight-or-flight mode. recalls psychologist Jeffery Bernstein, in Psychology Today.
To avoid this, he provides three techniques for staying calm and grounded, even in a moment of disagreement.
Pause and breathe before responding
In tense moments, your body’s automatic reaction is to tense up, raise your voice, and go into defensive mode. If you already feel your heart beating faster and your thoughts racing, you are experiencing an increase in stress. Taking a few deep breaths before reacting is a simple but powerful tool for regaining control of your reactions.
“Breathing interrupts the cycle of flooding that occurs, giving your brain the signal to turn off the alarm and allowing your body to relax,” underlines the psychologist. The next time you feel tension building, slowly inhale through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of two, and exhale through your mouth for a count of six. Repeating this operation three to five times allows you to move from the fight phase to the “rest” phase. “Which gives you the clarity to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.”
Create a password for downtime
Sometimes the best way to prevent an argument from escalating is to step back from a tense moment. When emotions are running high, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break, especially if you let your partner know that you’ll return to the conversation with a clear head. “This approach is constructive for couples prone to intense confrontations or who have experienced conflicts in the past.
How to do this? The psychologist suggests determining a password, to quickly signal to the other person that you need some downtime or a break to resume the discussion in a relaxed manner. “Creating a password can provide instant relief and clarity when tensions are high. After a break, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking, can work more effectively, allowing both of you to approach the problem without being overwhelmed by emotions.” On the other hand, the pause should not be a way to escape the discussion. Don’t forget to respect the break time and get together again once the emotions have subsided.
Think about your triggers and share them with your partner
We don’t all react the same way to the same topics. People have “hot spots” or emotional triggers that make them more likely to react strongly. “These elements are often rooted in past experiences, family dynamics or insecurities.”. Identifying your triggers can help you understand why certain situations elicit such intense reactions and how you can prepare for them in the future.
“When you recognize and share your vulnerabilities, you create an environment trustedallowing you both to manage conflict without letting hidden triggers take over,” recalls the expert. Do you know what makes you lose your temper? Mentally note or even write down your triggers to become more aware of them in the future. With practice, you will find that self-awareness alone helps reduce overreactions.
Slide: Couple: 10 ways to reestablish contact after an argument