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Should you say everything in front of your children? What are the subjects that do not find their place in their universe and those which, on the contrary, must be addressed without delay? The border is sometimes obscure for parents who are keen to communicate. Here are the topics to avoid and those to discuss, according to professionals.
Is any truth good to say in front of children? At a time when many parents want to communicate openly as a family, it is sometimes difficult to realize that certain subjects do not concern them and may worry them. On the other hand, other subjects that we sometimes consider taboo have their place in the education of children. In the HuffPost USchild psychologists and parenting experts take stock.
5 topics you shouldn’t bring up in front of them
Children tend to understand a lot more than adults think. And certain discussions that you think are harmless to their ears can have harmful repercussions to be aware of.
Evoking people’s physical appearance
When adults talk badly about their own bodies or those of others, children notice and may internalize these negative messages. “Children are like sponges, they absorb everything they hear. If they see adults criticizing themselves, it can lead to emotional problems.self-esteem and body image as they grow up.reveals Brianne Billups Hughes, marriage and family therapist. This isn’t just about criticism: When adults frequently make comments about body shape or weight, even in a complimentary way, children may become overly concerned about their own appearance.
Criticize the other parent
It’s best to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, whether you’re speaking directly to the child or having the conversation while they’re within earshot. “Hearing negative comments about a parent can make a child feel like they have to choose sides or are responsible for fixing the situation, which can affect their sense of security. said clinical psychologist Laura Markham.
It can also damage the relationship with the criticized parent, because the child may then consider them “not good enough” while feeling guilty for thinking so.
Compare the child to his brother or sister
Comments that compare one sibling to another can also be harmful. Such comparisons can breed competition between siblings and lead to increased conflict, she said. “This makes sense to us because we see how it fosters resentment, jealousy, and insecurity. But this is just as true for positive messages, which also create competition.”explains the psychologist. Thus, a boy who is told that he is wiser than his brother may be motivated to keep his brother in the bad role.
Talk about your money problems
Money problems within the couple or family should also be avoided. ““Children do not yet have the cognitive tools needed to fully understand adult finances.” explains Ann-Louise Lockhart, pediatric psychologist. So when they hear conversations about money-related stressors in adults’ lives, they draw their own conclusions,”often assuming the worst” like the fear of losing the house, or of no longer being able to eat. “This fear can lead to increased anxiety and, for some children, feelings of guilt, as they feel ‘a burden’ if they need new shoes or supplies.” she continues. This does not mean not declaring anything if the financial situation is complicated, but giving clear and positive explanations: “We have to stick to a budget to make sure everything goes well.”is enough.
Talking lightly about alcohol or drug use
In conversation, do you talk easily and with a smile about your evenings or your friends who have had too much to drink? Vigilance, according to experts. Conversations “normalizing or glorifying” alcohol and drug use around children can lead to unhealthy attitudes toward these substances in the long term. “Children are impressionable, and hearing adults talk positively about alcohol or drugs, even in jest, can spark curiosity or risky behaviors later in life. reveals the psychologist.
5 adult topics that you can instead discuss in front of children
While certain adult topics should be avoided, others can be beneficial for their construction and understanding, as long as they are approached with appropriate communication. However, parents think little about it.
Healthy disagreements
Parents may feel like they have to resolve all conflicts behind closed doors. But this is not necessarily true. In fact, it can be beneficial for children to watch their parents show them how to resolve a disagreement in a respectful manner. “It’s important for them to know that we don’t always agree, but we always love each other. Children need to see us asking for what we need without attacking the other person.”says Laura Markham. This idea therefore excludes arguments with shouting and insults. But moderate disagreement, followed by respectful discussion and reconciliation, is beneficial.
Your emotions
Many adults try to avoid showing or talking about their emotions in front of children. This is wrong. Talking about being sad or upset can also show your child that emotions are normal and can be expressed. But in this case, it’s actually important for children to see adults deal with their feelings in healthy ways, experts point out.
Your mistakes
Adults should not feel obligated to maintain a facade of perfection in front of children. “Talking about your own mistakes and how you dealt with them helps children develop resilience and a sense of responsibility“, continues the psychologist. Here again, it is a question of approaching the subject by taking a step back. “When they hear something like: I made a mistake at work, but I took responsibility and am working on a solution, they see that mistakes are natural and that they can deal with them in a positive way.”
Money in general
While talking about your financial difficulties should be avoided, money in general should not be a taboo subject. “Discussing financial concepts in an age-appropriate way can be a valuable learning opportunity”reports Brianne Billups Hughes. “Children who grow up understanding budgeting, saving, investing, lending and responsible spending are more likely to develop good financial habits as they grow up.”
Sex, consent and bodily changes
Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with these topics. However, if there is one important adult subject to discuss, it is that of the body and consent. “Teaching children about consent, bodily autonomy, anatomy, pubertyhelps them develop a healthy understanding of their body and their relationships”explains the expert.
These discussions allow children to ask questions, set boundaries, and feel comfortable with their own physical development. They also help prevent misinformation from other sources. They therefore do not always have to be postponed until the next day.
Slide: What you should not say to a child