“This is the most common error among parents” according to a specialist who reveals why this innocuous phrase can be problematic for the child. Here’s what’s best to say instead.
Sadness, fear, anger, pain… Whatever the reason, no one likes to see a child (or someone of any age) crying. Our empathy means we want to console him, help him get better. And for that, most of us have the same reflex to bring a little comfort. It’s so common that Dr. Willough Jenkins, a Canadian child psychiatrist, explains on Instagram that it’s “the most common mistake parents make”. We really want to do well and we have the best intentions when this sentence crosses our lips, but specialists in early childhood and psychology are unanimous on the fact that it is better to proceed differently.
Telling a Child to “Stop Crying” “sends the message that his feelings are not valid”says Dr. Jenkins. “Crying is a natural way of expressing emotions, and it’s important for children to feel safe when expressing how they feel.”continues the expert. Ashley Pagenkopf, child specialist, adds in a blog article Checkup Newsroom that crying is a coping mechanism that causes the release of oxytocin and endorphins, two “feel-good” hormones. Crying can therefore do good to free yourself.
Although you shouldn’t tell your child to stop crying, that doesn’t mean you can’t comfort and support them. For example, Ashley Pagenkopf recommends saying phrases like “It’s okay to cry. Let’s take deep breaths”, “I know it’s very hard and you feel overwhelmed. I’m sorry you have to do this. I’m here for you,” “It’s super hard, but you can do hard things.” Dr. Jenkins goes along the same lines, proposing to say: “It’s okay to feel sad – let’s talk about it.” “Supporting emotional expression helps children learn to cope with theirs emotions in a healthy way. Let’s encourage emotional honesty and build resilience”she concludes.
Indeed, a child needs to feel understood above all, even in times of pain. Not stopping him from crying allows him to let him express himself and externalize his pain while supporting him to find a solution. You will have understood, listening and talking with your child will help them move forward and dry their tears.