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Marie Lanen
Head of parenting sections (baby, pregnancy, family), psychology and beauty
Being alone, even within a happy couple, is too often seen as a sign of disenchantment. However, far from threatening the relationship, this natural need allows you to refocus, revive your personal desires and enrich the marital dynamic. Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst, enlightens us.
Finding yourself alone, even within a happy couple, is often seen as a departure from the norm, or even as a form of selfishness. However, this desire for solitude is neither a sign of disenchantment nor a threat to marital balance. On the contrary, it is a natural need, an essential breath to reconnect with oneself, far from daily constraints and relational demands. Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst, author and therapist in Paris reveals to us how being alone is a way of cultivating healthier love with your partner.
Routine, a source of comfort but also of suffocation
Life together brings security and stability, but it can also become a straitjacket. Little by little, the roles become fixed and everyone risks losing themselves in their role as parent, as spouse, to the point that their uniqueness fades away. Daily life, although reassuring, also locks us into a routine that can stifle individual desires. The couple must be a space for personal development, not a gilded cage.
In this context, it is normal to feel the desire to escape from this framework to find a moment of calm. This solitude allows you to reconnect with your personal desires, too often drowned out by the tumult of married life and social expectations. An evening alone or a solo getaway can be breaths of fresh air that reaffirm our need to exist outside of our role within the couple.
The importance of independence for a fulfilling relationship
The need for solitude is often accompanied by a feeling of guilt. Society values the idea that personal fulfillment is found exclusively in life together. This weight is even greater for women, who are sometimes judged as abandoning their family responsibilities if they dare to claim this time for themselves. For men, this need can be seen as an escape from domestic tasks.
However, this guilt is unjustified. Being alone does not mean rejecting the other or neglecting one’s responsibilities, but preserving an inner balance. Numerous studies, such as those conducted at the University of California, demonstrate that couples who give each other space for independence experience a more fulfilled and lasting relationship. Thus, this need to be alone is neither a weakness nor a betrayal towards others.
“Society, with its normative and rigid expectations, tends to make those who claim the need to be alone in a relationship feel guilty. But the couple should not be a space where one sacrifices one’s individuality. Wanting to spend time alone is not an escape, but an act of self-preservation, a key to maintaining a fulfilling long-term relationship. This idea joins the foundations of psychoanalysis, which considers the need to maintain psychic autonomy to avoid the loss of oneself in the other.“, specifies our expert.
The beneficial impact of solitude on the couple
Far from being a threat, chosen solitude can even strengthen the relationship. Taking a step back allows you to come back more peaceful and more in tune with yourself, which contributes to better balance in the relationship. This is a time to rekindle your passions, rediscover your interests and thus avoid the trap of emotional dependence. A healthy relationship is based on two fulfilled individuals, capable of finding meaning and satisfaction outside of the marital framework.
Solitude is also an opportunity to cultivate personal space, an essential step to preserve one’s identity and avoid complete fusion. This return to yourself allows you to breathe new life into the relationship. By being fully themselves, each person brings to the couple a richness and depth which are essential to their development.
3 tips for establishing these moments of solitude
For these moments to be beneficial for both you and the couple, the key lies in transparency and mutual respect. Here are some ideas:
- Communicate without feeling guilty : Explain to your partner why you need this alone time, emphasizing that it has nothing to do with your love or commitment;
- Set aside dedicated moments for yourself : whether it’s practicing a hobby, going on a solo weekend or simply reading a book in a quiet room, it’s all about creating personal rituals that nourish you;
- Encourage others to do the same : the need for solitude is valid for both members of the couple. Encourage your partner to also take time for him/her, so that everyone can recharge their batteries.
“Being alone is a way to cultivate healthier love, both for yourself and for your partner. It is an act of kindness, allowing you to return to the relationship more serenely, more in tune with your needs and, therefore, more available to the other. By restoring the nobility of solitude, we understand that it is an essential component of any lasting relationship.” concludes Christian Richomme.
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship