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in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
October 6 will mark National Caregivers Day. The opportunity to question the guilt they may feel when they have to place one of their parents (or sometimes both) in a nursing home. How to overcome it? We asked psychologist Amélie Boukhobza the question.
Since 2010, October 6 has been National Caregivers Day. Carers are all those people who take care of a loved one, whether it is a parent, a child, a brother, a sister… to assist them on a daily basis.
Placing your parent in a nursing home, a shocking decision
The family caregiver is therefore the one who “provides assistance, on a regular and frequent basis, in a non-professional capacity, to carry out all or part of the acts or activities of daily life of a person losing their autonomy, due to age, illness or of a disability” can we read on the Mon Parcours handicap website.
So much so that for a child, when it becomes impossible to take care of their loved one (and even more so when it is a parent and this is surely the most common situation), a form of guilt appears.
“Placing a parent in a nursing home is a decision that can be overwhelming, and often fraught with guilt. We wonder if we made the right choice, if we couldn’t have taken care of it ourselves, or if we didn’t abandon a loved one… However, this decision is also the one that results from the need to guarantee better care” explains Amélie Boukhobza.
Do what is best for others
Why do we feel guilty in these situations? “There guilt often arises from the feeling of not doing enough. But the reality is that caring for someone requires specific skills, time and energy that we don’t always have.” adds our expert. “The nursing home offers a medical and secure environment, daily support that we cannot always provide at home and activities that we would probably not be able to offer. Not to mention that seeing your parent age and decline is already a painful process and probably the beginning of a mourning that is very difficult to accept, whatever their age.”
For the psychologist, it is therefore normal to feel a whole range of emotions: sadness of course, but also and above all anger, against what is happening and which sometimes makes us lose our ground.
To better experience this investment, you need to step back and look honestly at the situation. “We imagine we can manage everything alone, but no” further specifies Amélie Boukhobza. “RKnowing your limits means showing great lucidity. This does not mean that we give up, just that we adapt the care to what is necessary.”.
If you find yourself struggling with this situation, the psychologist recommends verbalizing your emotions with a loved one or someone who has already experienced this. “It’s a first step towards acceptance” she assures.
Good in his body, good in his head!
What to do if it doesn’t work?
“If the guilt persists and becomes overwhelming, consulting a professional can be of great help in learning to get through this ordeal in a more peaceful way. recommends the specialist. She also reminds us that we must:
- Accept your emotions, because guilt is normal in this case. But it is important not to let it dominate thoughts;
- Maintain a link with your parent by visiting them regularly, having discussions, and also calling them;
- Be lenient with yourself, that is to say, remember that you made this decision for the well-being of your parent, to guarantee their safety and comfort;
- And remember that accompanying a parent on this journey also means being present in another way, sometimes more serene.
Slide: Caregivers: helping a loved one losing their independence