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According to a psychologist, hoping for unfailing happiness every day in a married life has the gift of creating frustration and disconnecting you from reality. Happiness for two, yes, but the injunction to permanent happiness, no.
In the list of life goals, being in a relationship with a person who makes us happy is often placed among the top priorities. But this quest for a happy love life should not turn into obsession, reminds psychologist Jeffrey Berstein in the magazine Psychology Today. Because in life as in love, the injunction to happiness does not always have the expected effects.
A love idealized by films and social networks
The problem, for the expert, would above all be the image we have of the couple today. Films and social networks often idealize love as a state of continuous joy and often talk about “deserving” a love that will fulfill us in every way, day to day.
However, in reality, as much in love as you may be with your partner, happiness is not there every minute of a life together. “Relationships are more than just about happiness: they are about overcoming good times and bad and growing together as complex, sometimes complicated, beings. recalls the psychologist.
If this reality doesn’t sit well with you, and you believe you deserve to always be happy in your relationship, you risk inadvertently creating unrealistic expectations for yourself and your partner. “This can lead to disappointment, pressure and even resentment when the inevitable difficulties arise.”
3 reasons not to look only for happiness in your relationship
Happiness is only part of what it takes to live together
Lulled by beautiful stories, many people confuse contentment and happiness. But the psychologist reminds us: happiness is fleeting. It is often circumstantial, influenced by external factors. Conversely, contentment is a deeper peace with yourself and your relationship. Reality is thus more nuanced than pure happiness. Healthy relationships involve times of frustration, challenges, and even boredom. “If you’re hoping for constant happiness, you might feel like something is wrong when your relationship goes through a rough patch.” he mentions. On the contrary, difficult or less joyful times are opportunities to grow individually and as a couple.
We are complex beings
Humans are emotionally complex beings, each carrying their own fears, their own hopes, and the couple is not always in sync! The risk, when you don’t take this complexity into account, is to blame your partner when they don’t meet your emotional needs or don’t make you feel good. “But it’s important to remember that your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Just as you have your emotional complexities, so does your partner, and they will need to overcome their difficulties.”
For Jeffrey Berstein, it is therefore much more realistic to envisage your relationship as a partnership in which the two people support each other in their development. Some days will be happy and easy, while others will require difficult conversations or compromises.
Happiness is the sum of many things, not a goal
Finally, according to the expert, happiness in a relationship is the result of mutual respect, love and personal growth. It is not a constant state or an ultimate goal. “Instead of seeking happiness, strive to be resilientto support each other and understand each other. By focusing on these elements, happiness will naturally emerge during moments of connection.” he advises.
Satisfaction, a more fulfilling goal in love
Being happy in love and in your relationship would be more a question of satisfaction, of contentment than of perfect happiness. Being content with yourself means accepting that life won’t always be happy, and that’s okay. It means finding peace and contentment in the present moment, even when things are difficult. Contentment is understanding that you and your partner are doing the best you can.
And don’t forget: photos of happy, smiling couples shared on networks are chosen, but do not show the situation as a whole. “Behind every happy photo is a couple at odds, with communication problems and difficult days. concludes the expert. Hence the importance of working together in good times and bad.
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