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Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical Psychologist)
While some give up having children for the sake of the planet, others seem determined to repopulate it. How can we explain these desires for multiplication? What underlying mechanisms push these parents to give life without counting? Let’s analyze their motivations together.
Just a few months after giving birth, surprise: your neighbor is pregnant again. A blessing, according to her, which adds even more “a dose of love“to her XXL siblings (six dear little blond heads already populate her garden). Far be it from you to judge her, but still. What obscure mechanisms are pushing her to enlarge her clan? Why is she not already fulfilled by this full house? At a time when France is experiencing a historic drop in the birth rate (1.68 children per woman in 2023, according to the Improved site), we tried to understand the motivations of these XXL families.
The desire for a child, an (almost) personal desire
In the past, children came into the world naturally. Starting a family was the “natural order of things” and without contraception, the child was the random product of the sexuality of its parents.
“Getting married was the passport to entering the sexual life. The arrival of a baby was almost automatic. Children, at least those who survived high infant mortality, had to provide for aging parents,” recalls sociologist Gérard Neyrand, in the columns of the newspaper The Cross.
Except that in 2024, things have (fortunately) changed a lot. At a time when births are increasingly monitored, controlled and medicalized – and when environmental issues dissuade many from starting a family – “having a child” seems like an informed choice. Or almost…? This baby, whether desired or not, remains the fruit of the conscious and unconscious desires of its parents.
Indeed, the desire to see what the fruit of one’s love looks like, family reproduction (“we were happy with my brothers and sisters, I’m going to reproduce the same thing”) or the desire to start one’s own family – as opposed to one’s own – are all motivations that push thousands of future parents to take the plunge.
But the desire for a child can also arise from less noble reasons, such as wanting to save one’s relationship (the baby appears here as the solution), the desire to monopolize the affection of the loved one (by having a baby together, the other is linked to oneself for their entire life) or even the desire to be less alone and/or happier (the baby then compensates for one’s own unhappiness and insecurities).
So many good or bad reasons, which can influence his desire to become a parent.
NO to diets, YES to WW!
XXL Family: a way to “stay alive” or “avoid the void”
Faced with this almost vital need for some “to enlarge the clan“, Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, specifies that the motivations are often complex and deep,”between the search for personal accomplishment, fear of emptiness, and the need to belong“.
“For some, each child reinforces this feeling of a family cocoon, like a protective bubble where unity is solidified with each birth. The more children there are, the more the family becomes a sort of tribe, where everyone has their place and where support seems infinite. It is a desire for connection, for unconditional love, which sometimes merges with a certain fear of loneliness. For some parents, as long as there is a youngest to take care of, they never find themselves alone facing themselves. Daily life is so full that there is no room for introspection. It is a way of avoiding emptiness, of pushing back the question of “what next?” she confides, as a preamble.
Behind this choice, there is also the idea of personal accomplishment.
“Being a parent becomes the center of life, almost a vocation, where each child symbolizes a new stage of achievement. For some, it is the period of early childhood, with this fusional bond, which becomes addictive: no longer having a baby at home is a bit like admitting that we are getting older, that certain stages of life are closing. So we push this idea aside, continuing to expand the family“, adds the expert.
But we must not forget the cultural or religious influence either.
“In some families, having many children is valued, almost seen as a sign of prosperity or blessing. It is a norm that is part of a family tradition, a model passed down from generation to generation. Here, the choice is less individual than imbued with collective values.“, explains the practitioner, before continuing: “There is also a more unconscious aspect: having more children is sometimes a way of trying to prolong a feeling of control and usefulness. Each birth allows us to maintain this role where we are indispensable. And then there is this need for transmission: to leave a legacy, to perpetuate something of ourselves. The more children there are, the more we feel like we are projecting ourselves into the future, of remaining alive through them..”
Ultimately, it’s an effective way”to avoid facing some perhaps more difficult questions…“, says Amélie Boukhobza, in conclusion.
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