Published on
updated on
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Johanna Rozenblum (clinical psychologist)
As empathetic as they may be, some phrases thrown out to comfort your partner are likely to be misinterpreted. Here are 6 phrases to forget when your partner has just had a bad day.
He (or she) comes home from his day looking gloomy, exhausted, and in a bad mood. There’s no doubt about it, the day went badly. But be careful! The situation is perilous, because the next words of support spoken, if they minimize things, could well turn against you. According to couples therapists, there are 6 sentences not to say in this storm warning.
“Hey, it could be worse!”
While this remark is usually meant with positive intentions, it’s best avoided because it minimizes your partner’s feelings about the situation at hand, relationship expert Amy Chan claims in a HuffPost article.This can lead them to think that their feelings are not valid or worthy of attention.”. In short, this comparison rarely brings comfort and ultimately isolates the person in their difficulties.
“This is what you should do”
By initiating this type of response, you are of course hoping to help your partner. But this sudden way of wanting to “fix” things does not leave room for speech and feeling. A necessary step, however. For Kurt Smith, another therapist cited, this is often the reaction of male partners, “who want to avoid facing their feelings, and therefore find it much easier and more comfortable to give advice on the problem – such as dealing with children or a boss – than to open the door to listening to how their partner really feels.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
Again, in a few words, the little phrase minimizes the situation and your partner’s feelings. “Cand which can make him feel invalidated”says Briane Billups Hughes, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif. But what may not seem important to you may be deeply troubling to your partner.When you don’t acknowledge that something is important to your partner, they then feel like they can’t tell you how they feel. This expression can create emotional distance.” Additionally, even if a situation is indeed not “serious,” the phrase likely won’t have any effect as long as your spouse is upset.
“At least…”
A translation is needed. Every time you start a sentence with the words “at least”, you think you are giving your partner a glimmer of hope. This is not the case, the angry person will take it as disdain.This shifts the focus from their current emotional state to something that is supposed to make them feel better, which can make it seem like you are ignoring their concerns,” continues the expert.
“Calm down!”
Let’s be clear once and for all, saying “calm down!” to someone has never worked and has never had any calming effect, quite the contrary.This can come across as dismissive and condescending, implying that your partner’s emotions are a problem that needs to be resolved quickly,” argues Briane Billups Hughes. You risk making the situation worse. And rightly so: in addition to potentially intensifying their frustration, telling your partner to calm down can make them feel judged rather than supported.
“I’m having a rotten day too, you know.”
Red alert! Avoid any attempt to immediately bring the conversation back to yourself, if you want to have any chance of seeing your partner regain his composure. It is very easy and comfortable for most of us to talk about ourselves. Often, we don’t even realize how much we do it.
“What you need most when your partner is having a bad day is a little empathy. But most people don’t know how to do that, so they end up talking about themselves instead of their partner, who probably needs some attention for their struggles,” reveals the experts.
The right attitude to adopt
Perfect, but what can you say when your partner looks sullen when he comes home from his day? We asked our psychologist, Johanna Rozenblum, the question. She gives us the ideal recipe for supporting your other half.
“Overall, all the sentences that consist of minimizing and brushing aside the negative feelings felt are not those expected. When we have a problem in our personal or professional life, we do not need to hear someone who minimizes our suffering or who comes back to it.”
The right attitude, according to her, would therefore come in two stages:
- Firstly, it is about welcoming the other person’s feelings, letting them talk about their state of fatigue, seeing what this refers to: authority, work, social interactions, etc.;
- It is only later, when the person manages to get out of this slump, that it is possible to come back to it, by trying to verbalize what can echo this situation, and find its origin.Finally, it is about being in a quest for a solution, together rather than being in relativization.”
So we listen, we wait, and we come back to the subject by finding solutions.