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updated on
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical Psychologist)
Have you recently been doubting your partner’s love for you? There are some clues that can help you determine if he is still attached to his ex.
Rachel, Alex, Barbara… Does your partner still say his ex’s name? While this may be a passing mistake, there are other signs that should be taken seriously because they can reveal his attachment to his ex.
The couple, an adventure for two
If all love scenarios are possible; the most common definition of a couple is that of a loving duo, who learn, together, to reinvent themselves and present a certain stability.
“Being in a relationship means creating something new, a unique entity that belongs only to the two people involved. It is an adventure where each person brings their own experiences, desires, and dreams, but where it is essential to give complete freedom to the creation of a new bond, a common space that did not exist before”, reveals Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.
“However, it sometimes happens that certain behaviors betray an invisible presence, that of an ex who still occupies an important place in the life of his or her partner,” warns the expert.
This attachment is problematic because it prevents one of the partners from investing completely and fully in their new relationship. But how do you know if the other is still thinking about their ex? Several signs should alert you.
The 3 signs to look out for
1. The inability to let go of the past.
“When you are in a relationship, it is vital to reinvent this new space together, to make room for a “third entity” that does not belong to either of you, but is the fruit of this union. If your partner constantly insists on doing activities or things that he did with his ex, if there are habits or traditions that he wants to recreate at all costs, it is a sign that he has not yet turned the page. He is as if stuck in a past that does not allow him to move forward and build something new.” says Amélie Boukhobza.
2. When the past slows down the present.
“If too many things seem to be stuck in the relationship, if obstacles appear for no apparent reason and your partner continues to refer to his past insistently, it may be because he is not yet ready to fully commit to this new story. To be able to build a new couple, each person must be able to start from a blank page, to be free of any emotional attachment that could interfere with the present,” emphasizes the specialist.
3. The difference between a legitimate presence and an obsession.
“There is a downside to this when children are involved. When exes are also the parents of our children, their presence is inevitable and must be accepted. In this case, certain interactions are necessary and normal. But be careful not to confuse legitimate presence with obsession. If your partner continues to react emotionally to the provocations or aggressions of his ex, it may be because he has not completely left this relationship. Being free means no longer being affected by what the ex can do or say, it means no longer reacting to his attempts to destabilize,” the practitioner further explains.
In a relationship where there are no children involved, any constant reference to the ex should be a red flag, Amélie Boukhobza tells us.
“If your partner is constantly comparing, referring to their past, or trying to reproduce old patterns, it may be time to set the record straight. It is crucial to talk openly about what these behaviors mean and what each of you wants from the relationship. If, despite everything, the ghost of your ex continues to haunt your daily life, it may be time to reevaluate the situation,” assures the expert psychologist.
“True freedom is found in indifference. When we no longer react to provocations, when we no longer feel the need to refer to the past or to justify our choices by what has been, that is when we are truly free. This freedom is essential to building a new, healthy and fulfilling relationship. Without this freedom, the past continues to weigh and prevent the present from fully blossoming. Because a couple cannot move forward with the weight of old relationships that drag us back. We do not live with the ghosts of the past, but enlightened by the infinite possibilities of the future…”, she notes, in conclusion.
Slideshow: How to cut ties with your ex?