Published on
Updated
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
On France 2 (and in Replay) the series “Pour Marnie” (For Marnie) emotionally retraces the difficult journey of parents faced with a sick child at the end of his life. Should we let him go (as the father wishes in the series) or keep him alive at all costs (as the mother wishes)? Our psychologist Amélie Boukhobza tried to answer this delicate question.
Fans of moving and strong programs, you may have devoured the British series For Marnie broadcast on France 2 this week (and available in replay). Carried by talented actors (Sharon Horgan and Michael Sheen), the series tells the moving story of Nicci and Andrew, a couple faced with an impossible choice.
A choice about the end of your child’s life, inspired by true stories
Indeed in the series, Marnie, their 13-year-old daughter, suffers from muscular dystrophy, an incurable degenerative disease. But following a severe lung infection, Marnie slips into a coma. Without hope of saving the teenager, the doctors then suggested stopping treatment in her interest. A decision that will tear the couple apart, between a father wanting to relieve his daughter and a mother unable to bring herself to see her leave. A sensitive subject, praised on the networks as the interpretation of the actors moves the viewer, which took its source not from one true story but several. The screenwriter thus admitted having drawn on several very real stories and legal battles that have occurred in England in recent years, to compose his plot as close as possible to real emotions.
A child at the end of life is a double bereavement for the couple
Does such an event necessarily signal the end of the parental couple? Is heartbreak inevitable? We asked the question to Amélie Boukhobza, who returns step by step to this very complex subject.
“Parental conflict regarding the end of a child’s life is a very sensitive topic, because it is impossible to imagine. As a psychologist, I would say that it is important to try to maintain, as much as possible, communication and a strong bond not only between the parents, but also within the family as a whole. Share your feelings, fears and uncertainties with your partner, and, as far as possible, with the child, to reduce misunderstandings and make decisions more aligned with each other’s values and wishes.”
It’s about making the decisions that we think are the best, and together if possible… but nothing is less simple!”Being on the verge of losing your child is the beginning of a double mourning: that of his child but also that of his own omnipotence as a parent. That is to say, we realize that we are not omnipotent and that in the face of fatal illness, we can do nothing.” continues our shrink. In fact, the emotional consequences are heavy and variable: anger, guilt, denial, and many others.
Is it possible to make THE right decision for the child?
Difficult to take an official position on the father’s or mother’s reasons in the series and determine the most accurate one. But we can at least ask ourselves the question of how best to support the child at the end of life. What does that mean. Our experts offer several options:
- Parents must seek support from health professionalspsychologists, support groups or extended family.”It’s too much to bear alone. Support helps ease the burden, lets you express your emotions and concerns, lets you cry if necessary, and offers more varied perspectives on decisions to be made.”
- When the child is old enough to truly understand their situation and express their wishes, it is essential to take them into account, whether regarding treatments, palliative care or their wishes for the remaining moments of their life.
- One thing matters more than anything: when a child is at the end of his life, priorities often have to shift to quality of life rather than quantity. This means prioritizing comfort and well-being in everyday life, and focusing on moments of joy. This may include “crazy” or extraordinary activities, but there is no room or time for conflict or disagreement.There is only room and time for Life! Because we must never forget that the passage between life and death remains a moment of life.”
Finally, one last thing, reminds our expert, we do not think like our children: “Françoise Dolto very well underlined the gap between the perception of death of adults and children. It is essentially from the adult’s perspective that the child’s death is premature and revolting. For the seriously ill child, death no longer feels premature; it is part of an evolution that he feels.” There remains the suffering of the parents…which will also have to be managed.